


This Is My Life

by msgilliana



Category: The X-Files
Genre: /others is only for one chapter, Angst, Childbirth, F/M, I like to put characters through pain apparently, It ends happy I promise, Lots of Angst, Mental Illness, Mentions of medication, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Postpartum Depression, Pregnancy, Scully-centric, Smut, Therapy, am I projecting? Who knows, eventual msr, no graphic depictions of rape/non-con but I put the warning there to be safe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25543759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msgilliana/pseuds/msgilliana
Summary: Dana Scully is a young divorced single mom with a past. Fox Mulder is an FBI agent still living in his. By chance, they meet and have a one-night stand. Dana's life changes when she gives birth to her third child and the darkness never seems to leave. She gets recruited into the FBI and moves from California to DC with three children in tow, hoping for a fresh start. When she's assigned as the chief pathologist to assist with Mulder's cases, she tries to stay away, having sworn herself off men. But, there's just something about Mulder she can't quite put her finger on.
Relationships: Dana Scully/Other(s), Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 26
Kudos: 114





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, y'all! This is my first longer chaptered fic and I'm so excited! There are quite a bit of notes and disclaimers I'd like y'all to read, but if you want to skip, that's totally okay! I'll be linking them at the beginning and the end of this chapter! 
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH to Nicole/OnlyTheInevitable for the beta! You ROCK! 
> 
> Link [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XnAwVyVJe3EUUGVgCxOw_oR3cmODGe1JP4RyfE_x8a8/view) (you may have to copy and paste or open into another tab)
> 
> Disclaimers: I do not own The X-Files, Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, or any other characters associated with the show. They belong to Fox, 1013, and Chris Carter. I only own my OCs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH to Nicole/OnlyTheInevitable and waterbending-warrior (Tumblr) for the beta!
> 
> Disclaimers: I do not own The X-Files, Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, or any other characters associated with the show. They belong to Fox, 1013, and Chris Carter. I only own my OCs.

April 2009

It was a cool April morning in Palo Alto, California when 23-year-old Dana Scully hurried up the courthouse steps, her heels clicking against the concrete like seconds ticking on a clock. She had five minutes before she had to meet with the prosecutor, and “late” was not in her vocabulary. Briskly walking past the different people, she briefly questioned their presence. Smoothing down her smart and sensible navy-blue blazer, her hand paused as it met her small (but somewhat noticeable) pregnancy bump. Her hand left almost immediately, and she focused on the task at hand. The prosecutor was waiting for her when she arrived to discuss what was expected of her. She was met with a cheery smile despite the somber mood of the day, and the prosecutor led her to the witness room and gave her instructions.

“Now, I know you’ve been told this many times before, but just as a reminder: you’re what’s called a ‘character witness,” so you’ll only be called to testify if necessary,” the prosecutor reminded. “I know it’s not what you imagined you’d be doing today, but you may be needed. And both the judge and defense know of your condition, so they know to tread lightly when it comes time for the cross-examine questions. However, I fear they won’t, so I’ll remind them to go easy on you.”

“It’s alright. You’ve prepared me should I need to go up there and testify. I can do this. I just hope that you’re able to put him away.”

The woman put her hand gently on Dana’s arm. “I promise I’ll do all I can.” She looked at her watch and told Dana she needed to go. 

“There’s water available and outlets if you need to charge your phone. I’m sorry I can’t do much else.”

The woman walked off, and Dana took in her surroundings. There was a table with an older-looking coffee machine and a pack of water bottles. While the room was small, there was room to fit another table with a chair and a loveseat in the corner. She set her purse down, took out her phone, and lowered herself onto the loveseat and shifted so she was on her back, feet dangling off one of the armrests. 

It had been a couple of hours she had waited but it felt like three times as long. She mostly texted either her mother, father, or sister, letting them know how she was and just needing someone to talk to. All three knew the trial was going on, and offered words of support and encouragement. If she wasn’t glued to her phone, she paced. And paced. At some point she looked out the window unto the pedestrians below and wished she could take any one of their places right now. Today was an emotionally wrecking day, and it helped that she had most of her family nearby in case she needed them in a short amount of time.

Around noon, she was called to testify. _Dana Scully, Part 25._ Her heart sank down to her feet. Anxiety and doubt started to intrude her thoughts. She honestly didn’t know if she could do this anymore. How many people can say they had to testify against their ex-husband? Okay, probably many, but this case was unique. These thoughts were enough to busy her mind until she found herself with her right hand on the Bible promising ‘to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.’ She sat down and tried her hardest not to look to where she knew _he_ was staring holes into her.

The prosecutor stood up and started to ask questions.

“Can you state your full name for the record?” She sounded professional in tone, vastly different from their earlier conversation.

“Dana Katherine Scully,” Dana answered.

“And what is your relationship to the defendant, Ms. Scully?”

“I’m his ex-wife.”

She continued to ask the basic questions. _When were you married? When did you separate? Divorce? Do you have any children? How many? What are their names? When were they born? Are you employed? Are you in school? For what? Where? How long have you been attending?_ The questions seemed to go on and on. Until they got to the question she wished she didn’t have to answer.

“Ms. Scully, do you know why you have been asked to appear in court today?”

“Um, my ex-husband has been charged with…” God, she couldn’t even say it. _Be strong, Dana._ “…sexual assault.” She refused to look at him, but she knew he was wearing one of his notorious smirks.

“Has your husband ever assaulted _you_ , Ms. Scully?” 

“Objection, your Honor. We are only in court for the case of Hannah Carson, not the _alleged_ assault for Mr. Lake’s ex-wife.” The defense attorney finally spoke, his voice low and with a ‘no-nonsense’ tone to it.

“Withdrawn. Ms. Scully, to what degree do you know Miss Carson?”

Dana’s heart was speeding up and her hands felt clammy. _Just breathe, Dana._ “I don’t know her.”

“Let the record state that Ms. Scully does _not_ know the victim. Now, I’d like to start asking about your relationship with the defendant over time.”

 _Oh, God._ She knew what was coming. Soon she’d be asked about what it was like being with him, and no doubt they’d eventually get to her own... it was still hard to think about it, and she _lived_ it. She was prepared to answer the questions, but she wasn’t prepared for the emotional state she was sure to be in after this. Why couldn’t they just have accepted her written testimony? But _no_ , she just _had_ to do this in front of however many people. She had a death grip on her knees and prayed for the universe to open up and swallow her whole right about now. 

“When did you two meet?”

 _Okay, here goes nothing._ “Um, I was fourteen.”

“Can you tell us about the day you met the defendant?”

X

_2000_

_“Danes, are you kidding?! You’re telling me you turned down Jack Willis for the homecoming dance? Are you okay?” Melissa teased, her mouth full of Blizzard._

_“I’m just not interested in going with anyone. Besides, I’m only going because if I don’t, you’re just going to drag me.”_

_Melissa chuckled and ate a fry from her plate. “You know me so well, oh dear sister of mine,” she joked. “It’s your freshman year, and you got asked to the homecoming dance by a senior. Do you know how many girls wish they were you?”_

_Dana only shrugged. “I don’t know what to say. I’m just not interested. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to refill my drink.”_

_She got up and walked over to the drink machine. Opting for water, she quickly refilled her cup and was about to walk back to the booth she and Melissa were seated at before she ran into a tall person, spilling her water all over them._

_“Oh my gosh, I am SO sorry!” she exclaimed as she grabbed the nearest napkins and handed some to them, and the rest to clean the floor. The person kneeled and helped her._

_“It’s alright.”_

_She looked up, pushing her hair out of the way, and was face to face with a boy. A rather handsome boy, she might add. He looked familiar, but she couldn’t pinpoint from where._

_“I really am sorry again.”_

_“It’s okay, I promise.” He smiled, and Dana could feel her cheeks flush. He was so handsome. “Hey, you go to Hoover, right? I’ve seen you around school a few times.”_

_“Yeah, I just started in August.”_

_“That’s cool. I’m a junior. You going to the game tonight?”_

_“Yeah, I’m going with my sister.”_

_“I’m going with a few of my buddies, so I guess I’ll see you there. Or ‘run into,’ I should say,” he joked and winked at her, causing her cheeks to flush again. “I’m just kidding.”_

_They finished wiping up the spilled water and after he threw away the wet napkins, he held out his hand and she took it._

_“So, what’s your name?” he asked, not letting go._

_“Dana.”_

_He shook her hand. “Well, Dana, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Hunter. I’ll see you around.”_

_He walked out the door and Dana looked at her sister, who sat there open-mouthed, apparently having had watched the whole interaction._ Great, she thought. I’ll never hear the end of this.


	2. Announcement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you so much for all the reviews/likes/comments/kudos! There is no obligation to do so and I’m so grateful! 
> 
> I was going to wait and post this Wednesday, but there’s so much shit going on with trying to get ready for the fall semester I wanted to have something non-stressful happen, so here’s chapter 2! This may mean waiting a bit longer for chapter 3, but I hope it’s worth it 💛
> 
> Thank you so much to Nicole/OnlyTheInevitable for the beta! You’re amazing!

Later that day

Dana leaned against the elevator wall as she made her way up the apartment building, sluggish being an understatement as to how she was feeling. She rubbed her stomach, the baby moving more than usual. Was it the baby? Maybe she was getting those pregnancy hallucinations. Must be the stress. 

_Must be the stress._ The phrase was now permanently etched into her brain with how often she’d thought it or verbalized it. It’d be a miracle if this baby made it without any complications. As if she needed more. Dana was pretty sure ‘complicated’ was going to be engraved on her tombstone. The baby was complicated. Her ex-husband was complicated. This case was complicated. Her whole fucking life had been nothing but complicated since she first had sex with Hunter seven years ago. Now look where she was.

Divorced. Alone. Well, not technically alone. 

After she was done with her court appearance, she barely made it to her only class she was actually able to go to. Luckily the professor understood, thank God. It’s not like you can opt-out of being called to court. But still, it was frustrating to miss most of her classes. 

Speaking of, she wasn’t quite sure how to describe her two hours of questioning. Disaster? No, that wasn’t quite right. Fiasco? Maybe. Catastrophe? Calamity? Anyway, the point being that it did _not_ go well. As was to be expected, the defense pulled the ‘victim-blaming’ routine and she started to wonder if it wasn’t her on trial instead of her ex-husband. The insensitive “this isn’t about your assault” speech lasted until it became ‘relevant’ to their questioning. She tried to understand that he was just doing his job, but the fact he was her ex’s lawyer and was quick to judge her did not put him on a pedestal in her book. At the risk of jinxing herself, she hoped to never see her ex-husband’s face again. 

_Earlier_

_Dana had been answering questions for the better part of an hour. She was asked about her past history with her ex-husband and basically retold her life story starting at age fourteen._

_It was now the defense’s turn. “Ms. Scully, in your written statement, you reference back to several times where you believe the defendant sexually assaulted you. Can you elaborate on that?”_

_“What does this have to do-”_

_“Just answer the question, Ms. Scully,” the defense interrupted rudely._

_“It’s exactly what it means.”_

_“You said you believed the defendant assaulted you, but not once did you say with absolute certainty.”_

_“That’s because I didn’t know it was assault until later.”_

_“So this was just a case of being regretful?”_

_“Objection, your Honor! Relevance?”_

_“I withdraw the question. Ms. Scully, do you believe your ex-husband committed this crime?”_

_“Yes.” There was no question in her confidence._

_“Why?”_

_“Because he’s done it before.”_

_“How are you so certain? You yourself cast doubt.”_

_“I only said that because I knew I wouldn’t be believed.”_

_“If the defendant assaulted you as you allege, then why did you not ask for a divorce until six months ago, after Miss Carson came forward?”_

_“I could handle him hurting me, but I didn’t know he was hurting other women.”_

_Dana looked out in front of her, spotting Hannah. She had seen a picture of her, so she already knew who to look for. Once they locked eyes, she smiled sadly, feeling intense regret. Dana wanted nothing more in this moment than to run out of the witness stand and hug the younger woman, apologizing for not being strong enough to stop her assault. Shaking the thought away, she turned her attention back to the man who no doubt didn’t care if Hunter was guilty or not as long as he got paid._

_The defense attorney scoffed and flipped the page. “Ms. Scully, I have in my notes here you are currently expecting. Congratulations, by the way. Who’s the father?”_

_“Objection, your Honor!”_

_“Your Honor, my client believes the baby may be his,” the defense stated._

_“That line of questioning is irrelevant to the case,” the prosecution said in Dana’s defense._

_“I’ll answer the question. Yes, the baby is his, but only because he assaulted me while he was out on bail. I never consented.” Dana felt her heart race quicken and breathing get faster. Her stomach was in knots and she felt nauseous._

_“_ If _you didn’t consent, and you no longer have ties to my client, then why did you keep the baby?”_

_“Objection! Your Honor, the defense is now harassing Ms. Scully and disregarding her religious beliefs.”_

_“Sustained. You’re on thin ice, Mr. Cline.”_

_Mr. Cline held up his hands in surrender._

_“No further questions.”_

_Dana was now in tears and tried to steady her breathing. Her head pounding and heart racing, she was having a hard time focusing._

_“Do you need a break, Ms. Scully?” the judge asked._

_She could only nod, a hand covering her mouth as she looked back again at Hannah, seeing nothing but pity on her face._

_“We’ll take a ten-minute recess.”_

_Dana was sure she heard the gavel, but over the blood pounding in her ears and being guided out of the witness stand by the guard, it never registered. She found the nearest restroom and quickly emptied the contents of her stomach._

_She knew this would happen. The victim-blaming. Of course the defense would try to make it seem like she consented. Whether it was the hormones, stress, or whatever else she could think of, Dana could only cry._ Be strong. You can do this. Do it for you, for Hannah, for the girls. Don’t let them see your fear. You are stronger than they think. Put that son of a bitch behind bars. 

_10 minutes, an encouraging pep-talk from the prosecutor, and a bottle of water later, she was called back to the witness stand. She cleared her throat and ran a hand over her stomach._ I’m ready. _Waiting for the defense to continue their questioning, she gathered up all her strength and stared down the man who manipulated, abused, raped, cheated on, and lied to her since the moment they met almost ten years ago._

Present Time

She got to her apartment and unlocked the door, hoping it wouldn’t look like a tornado had run through. She prayed a silent prayer and braced herself. The door was opened and revealed...a clean apartment. There was no clutter, no toys, not even a pair of shoes out of place. 

Setting her keys in a little bowl next to the front door, she announced her presence.

“I’m home!”

A thunder of footsteps could be heard, two little girls making their way to her as she took off her blazer and heels.

“Mommy!” they said in chorus as they ran to Dana. They wrapped their arms around her and told her how much they missed her.

Dana held on to both of them as a young woman the same age as she walked down the hallway. Dana stood up and turned her attention towards her.

“Thanks so much for staying later than normal, Taylor. I really appreciate it. And taking the time to clean. You didn’t have to.” She started to dig in her purse for cash to give her. 

“It was no problem, Dana. We had a great time, didn’t we?”

“Yep!” the girls exclaimed.

“Oh, and I’ll make sure to email you my notes from Dr. Wilson’s class,” Taylor said.

“You’re a Godsend. Thank you so much. Girls, say bye to Taylor, okay?”

“Bye Taylor!”

“Bye!”

Dana paid the sitter and soon it was just the three Scully women left in the apartment. The smaller of the two girls raised her arms and Dana picked her up, settling her on her hip.

“Now, I believe it’s almost dinner time. What do you girls want?”

“Can we order pizza, mommy? Just this once? Please?”

“Peesaa, pwease!”

Dana chuckled as she took out her phone. They didn’t normally have food ordered, but she’d make an exception this time. 

After the pizza was ordered, she finally had a chance to pay full attention to her girls. She settled on the couch, the girls cuddled up to her. Hannah Grace, affectionately known as ‘Gracie,’ and Olivia Claire, ‘Liv’ to her mom and sister, were Dana’s pride and joy. As hard as it was being a young single mom in school, she didn’t know what she’d do without her daughters. They were light in the darkness that was her life.

Gracie was a carbon copy of her mom and the quieter of the two Scully sisters. Not that she couldn’t talk until she was out of breath, just quietly. Born when Dana was a junior in high school, she experienced a cross-country move at less than two years old and again at five. While only six, Gracie was a big help with her little sister and was always willing to share toys and make sure no one was upset. She had her moments but overall was a sweet child. 

Liv was, well, three. Having just turned three a month prior, she was still transitioning out of the ‘terrible twos’ phase. Liv was Dana’s little fireball. She had all the energy in the world and was also super messy. Dana knew it would pass, but that didn’t make it any less challenging. Liv was born during Dana’s junior year at Maryland and even with the sleepless nights that came with a newborn, a toddler, _and_ classes, Dana graduated Summa Cum Laude and moved to Stanford from Maryland for medical school just over a year later with two little girls in tow. To say Dana had a stressful pregnancy with Liv was an understatement and there were definite scares throughout. However, her younger daughter made it earthside and made life nothing if not interesting.

“Did you have a good day at school today?” she asked her older child.

“Yep! We learned how to count to 100, but I already knew how, and we got to write stories. I ate all my lunch too!”

Dana chuckled and kissed the top of Gracie’s head.

“I’m glad.”

With the apartment quiet as the girls played in their room, Dana thought. She still hadn’t told her girls she was expecting, and it was getting to where she would struggle to hide it soon. After what they experienced, the last thing she wanted was to turn her girls’ lives upside down again. Life had other plans. 

_Should I do it tonight? Get it out of the way?_ It’s not every day they had pizza delivered and it would certainly help ease the blow. Maybe. She hoped. _Yeah, I should do it today. Rip it off like a band-aid. God, I hope they don’t hate me._

Soon the pizza came and Dana was putting Liv in her booster seat while Gracie moved the stool from its location by the pantry to in front of the counter. Gracie was on the shorter side, another trait inherited from her mom, and they had three stools that sat in the kitchen, bathroom, and next to the front door in case Dana couldn’t come to the door and Gracie was needed to check visitors. She stood on top of the stool and waited for her mom. 

After she gave Gracie her plate of pizza, Dana grabbed a plate for herself and put three slices on it, saving one for Liv. Dana and her mini-me made their way to the small area they called the dining room and sat at the four-person table. Dana was cutting up the pizza slice for Liv while her girls chatted away, blissfully unaware of the thoughts taking over Dana’s brain.

In just five to six months, there would be another addition to the Scully family. Three little mouths to feed instead of two. Four people to shop for instead of three. Another round of diapers, spit-up, breastfeeding, midnight cries, and sleepless nights. She took a deep breath and watched as her younger child proceeded to get cheese and sauce everywhere. 

After the little people decided they were done with dinner, Dana wiped Liv’s face and hands and let her out of her booster seat. She went to put the dishes in the sink while Gracie and Liv played in the living room. While only two slices had been eaten by her, Dana was afraid to eat anymore due to her nerves, so she put the uneaten pizza slices in the refrigerator and went to grab her computer bag. She then proceeded to the living room where she was immediately attacked with hugs by Liv. Dana picked her up and gently tossed her in the air before letting her resume playing.

She took out her computer, checked her email for the notes Taylor sent, and got caught up on the work she missed. At this point, Dana was an expert on doing work while watching her children and listening to whatever kids’ songs were popular on a louder-than-average volume. Soon enough, she had four pairs of hands and feet in her personal space.

“Whatcha workin’ on, mommy?” Gracie asked as she sat in Dana’s lap. Liv was busy putting her hands all over Dana’s face. 

Dana gently moved Liv’s hands away and typed. “Just school work.”

“You’re _always_ doing school work,” Gracie pouted.

“Well, if I’m going to be a doctor, I have to.”

“Pway, mommy!” Liv squealed, bouncing and flailing her hands.

“Yeah, mommy, can you play with us?”

Dana sighed and closed her computer, setting it down on the coffee table in front of her. “Actually, there is something I need to tell you girls.”

That seemed to get their attention. She held out her arms and motioned for them to go to her. She managed to fit both girls in her lap and ran her hands through their hair. _Do it now, Dana. Rip off the band-aid._

“This is really important, okay? Not even grandma and grandpa know.”

“Mommy, just tell us!”

“You have to promise to keep it a secret okay?”

Gracie nodded. “Okay.” 

Dana took a deep breath. _Here goes nothing. Spit it out. Three...two...one..._

“I’m going to have a baby.”

The silence was deafening. Even though her first trimester had come and gone, Dana felt nauseous for the second time that day.

Gracie blinked, unaware of how to process the new information. “I thought you were done having babies.”

“I know, sweetie, but mommy didn’t think she was going to have another one.” 

Liv, finally comprehending what her mother was saying, piped up. “Mommy’s having a baby?”

“Yeah, mommy’s going to have another baby. You’re going to have a little brother or sister soon.”

“But I don’t want another baby. You said we were enough.” Gracie was now on the verge of tears, climbing off her mother’s lap.

“I know, baby, but mommy didn’t plan on it.”

“But you said people have babies when they love each other. You don’t love daddy anymore.”

“Sweetie, it’s hard to explain.”

“Is the baby daddy’s?” she asked loudly.

“Hannah Grace, inside voice please-“

“Is the baby daddy’s?” she asked louder. 

Dana took a deep breath and slowly nodded her head. “It is,” she confirmed.

“Why, mommy?! You said we were all you ever wanted!” Gracie was almost screaming at this point, tears streaming down her cheeks and face turning red. 

“Gracie, sweetie, please let me explain-“

“NO! I don’t want a brother or sister! You promised no more babies!”

Gracie stormed off into her and Liv’s shared room and slammed the door, causing Liv to jump in Dana’s arms and cling to her.

Dana felt the tears fall down her face and hugged Liv tighter. She knew the shock would wear off and hopefully, Gracie would learn to love her new brother or sister, but that didn’t make it sting any less now. 

“Baby sistuh?” Liv asked. At least one child was taking it relatively well considering Liv only had a vague idea about babies. 

Dana sniffed, willing herself to stop crying. “Maybe. You could have a brother.”

“Whewe’s duh baby?”

“It’s in mommy’s belly.” Dana took Liv’s hand and placed it on her stomach. 

“Did you eat it?” 

Dana would have chuckled at Liv’s innocent question if she wasn’t so stressed. “No, sweetie, I didn’t eat it,” she answered as she rubbed Liv’s back.

“Den how’d it get dere?” 

_Oh boy._ “I’ll tell you when you’re older, okay?” Dana wiped at her eyes.

Liv seemed satisfied and moved her hand gently around Dana’s stomach. “I don’ feew anyfin.” 

“They still need to grow. You’ll feel them move soon.” 

Dana continued to hold her younger daughter as the tears kept flowing.

“Don’ be sad, mommy.”

Dana smiled sadly and wiped her tears. “Sorry, sweetie. I’ll try not to be.” 

Soon Liv was bored and wanted to continue playing. Dana got her computer back out and got some more work finished, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. 

When it got to be around eight o’clock, Liv was getting worn out. She and Dana picked up her toys.

Dana did not miss the way Liv observed her holding her stomach as she bent down. 

After Liv’s bath, Dana carried her to the girls’ bedroom, her younger daughter wrapped in a fluffy towel and head resting in the crook of Dana’s neck. They entered the room and Gracie was curled up on her side facing away from the door. Dana dressed Liv and read her a story, all the while keeping an eye on Gracie in case she moved. Once she felt the steady heartbeat of her now-asleep younger child, Dana carefully tucked her in and kissed her cheek.

She went over to Gracie and gently placed a hand on her shoulder, kissing her cheek as well. As suspected, her oldest daughter was awake and rolled over to face Dana, eyes fresh with tears. 

“Oh, sweetie.”

Gracie sniffled and held onto Dana, clinging to her shirt. Dana stroked her hair and slowly rocked her.

“I think this has more to do than just me expecting a baby. What’s wrong?”

“When you had Liv, you spent more time with her than with me. This baby is gonna get all your attention again.”

“You’re afraid I won’t have time for you?” 

Gracie nodded apprehensively. 

“Oh, sweetie, babies just need more attention. I’ll always have time for you. I may be more tired than usual because of the baby, but I won’t forget to spend time with my favorite six-year-old.” Dana wiped away her daughter’s tears. “I know it’s only us now, and I’m away at school a lot, but you’re still my girl and I love you very much.”

Gracie looked up at her and sniffed again. “You promise?”

“I promise. Now,” Dana got up and kissed the top of Gracie’s head. “It’s time for this kindergartener to get a bath and some sleep because you, little lady, have school tomorrow.” 

“Okay, mommy. I’m sorry I yelled,” Gracie apologized as she got up and hugged her mom.

Dana kissed the top of Gracie’s head again and cupped her face. “It’s okay, baby.”

After Gracie was bathed, dressed, and brushed her teeth, Dana sat with her on her bed and read her a chapter of _Charlotte’s Web_. Just feeling her mother near helped Gracie drift off and soon she was fast asleep. Dana tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. She went to leave the room and turned off the light, only the dim brightness of a unicorn night light could be made out. Dana looked into the dark room and smiled sadly. After gently closing the door, she made her way to her room, peeling off her clothes and changing into her pajamas, too tired to shower after an emotionally taxing day. 

Even in the dim light of her bathroom, she could see the small outline of a baby bump while standing in front of the mirror. Placing her hands on either side of her belly button, Dana could feel flutters within her. One hand came down to rest on her pubic bone, feeling the curve of her stomach along the way. Being a mom at such a young age wasn’t something she had planned, and especially a young single mom of soon-to-be three children, but she made it work. 

X

_October 2002_

_Dana was less than three weeks away from her due date. It was almost fall break and she was antsy about getting out for the week. It was one less week she’d have to put up with being ‘Dicked-Down’ Dana. Luckily, it was the end of the school day, so she was able to go home and avoid the bullying until the next morning. She stopped by her locker where her best friend Monica was waiting for her. They were going to hang out at her house after school and hopefully (at least for Dana) get some homework done._

_“You okay, Dana?” she asked._

_Dana nodded as she opened her locker. “I’m okay, just ready for break next week.” She picked up a loose sticky note that had landed on top of her books. **SLUT** was written in big black letters. A lone tear made its way down her cheek. This was the third note put in her locker this week, and it was only Tuesday._

_Monica gently took the note from her and read it. “Again? Why won’t they just stop? What have you ever done to these people?” While Monica had a soft demeanor, she was fiercely protective of her friends._

_“Get pregnant apparently. It’s fine, Mon. Hopefully after baby girl is born, it’ll stop.”_

_Monica sighed. While she wanted to do something, it would be hard to trace the culprits behind the notes, and in the long run, wouldn’t do Dana any favors. “Speaking of butterball, have you picked out a name yet? I feel kinda bad not having anything to call her.”_

_Dana smiled softly. “I have some names picked out, but ‘Hannah’ and ‘Grace’ are really speaking to me.”_

_“Ooohh, I love the name ‘Hannah’. It’s such a pretty name.”_

_“Really? I just can't decide between the two. What do you think?”_

_Monica smiled and gently patted Dana’s stomach. “This is your baby, Danes. Name her whatever you want. If you can’t decide, you can always make one of them her middle name, you know? Like ‘Hannah Grace.’ Simple, yet absolutely gorgeous. And if you’re the nickname type, you can call her ‘Han’ or ‘Gracie’ so there aren’t a million other ‘Hannahs’ she could get confused with.”_

_“Okay, you’re right, that does sound pretty.” Dana took out her history book and closed her locker. “Anyway, I think Mr. Bell won’t be happy with us loitering, so we better head out.”_

_They walked side by side down the hallway leading to the front of the school. They passed a few teachers, but soon reached what was called ‘the Commons.’ It was where they had to sit before being able to go to class in the morning and doubled as the lunchroom. There was a big open space that was connected to it by stairs. It was right at the front of the school but was also where the cheer and dance team would practice if they couldn’t use the gym. This was one of those days._

_Among the crowd of flailing limbs and girls being lifted into the air, there were a couple of girls standing off to the side. With Dana being on the outside, she was within earshot. The girls stopped what they were doing and turned towards Monica and Dana, not hiding the fact they were looking straight at them._

_“Oh, look, it’s ‘Dicked-Down’ Dana. How’s it feel to be a slut?” a girl with light ash-brown hair jided, her arms crossed over her chest. Her friend laughed._

_Dana had never met this girl in her life. How did she know who she was? Monica soon came to her defense and moved so their places were switched. They kept walking, but Monica slowed her pace._

_“Oh, shut up, Bethany,” Monica sneered, “we all know you get raw-dogged by Jason AND Trevor every Friday night. Didn’t you also have to get tested once because you hooked up with a rando at Carly’s party last summer?” Monica gestured to the girl standing next to Bethany. She raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms, not breaking her focus on the girl who dared insult her best friend in front of her. “Sure would hate to have to tell your boyfriend...”_

_Bethany and Carly stood open-mouthed at Monica’s statements, Dana left speechless as well, running a hand over her belly._

_“Monica!” she whispered loudly as they continued their trek._

_Monica just shrugged. “What?”_

_“That was…I don’t even know. How do you know her secrets?” Dana asked curiously._

_“I have people. It helps to also be able to sense when people enter a room, so I can hide. I hear lots of things, Dana. Plus people trust me. I’m great at keeping secrets. Well, for the most part anyway.” She put her arm around Dana and pushed the front doors open for her. Sensing the question she wanted to ask, Monica put Dana’s mind at ease. “Don’t worry, though. I haven’t heard anything about you that you haven’t already.”_

_They walked to Monica’s car. Having the passenger side door opened for her, Dana slowly got in. She had gotten to the point where she couldn’t see her feet, and her house wasn’t too far out of the way for Monica, so they carpooled to and from school._

_Monica Reyes was a light in Dana’s life. If just a little on the eccentric side, Monica was a loyal and supportive best friend. Having moved from New Mexico to San Diego in the seventh grade, a year after the Scullys moved from Maryland, Dana was the first friend she had made. She was sociable and assigned to sit next to Dana in homeroom on the first day of school that year. She talked Dana’s head off, but was also a great listener and put in her share of the work, which was appreciated by the redhead. She was smart and quirky and while she was the first to try new things and Dana was skeptical, they found they had more in common than they realized. The rest, they say, is history._

_“Okay, is the baby hungry? Do we want to go straight to my house and look for snacks? Or does butterball want something on the way?” Monica asked, starting the car and backing out of the parking lot._

_“I don’t know. I don’t feel hungry, but…”_

_“Better safe than sorry. I get it. We can stop somewhere and go through the drive-thru. What’s the little person hungry for? Any new cravings this week?” she teased as she drove up to the light at the entrance of the school._

_Dana lightly swatted at Monica’s arm, but she did currently have one weird craving. “It’s silly, I don’t want to bother you.”_

_The light had turned green and they were out on the road._

_“Nonsense. You could never bother me.”_

_Dana sighed. “Well, lately I’ve been craving mac and cheese with barbecue sauce.”_

_“Alright, mac and cheese with barbecue sauce it is. Although we’ll have to stop at Winn-Dixie or somewhere where we’ll have to get out.”_

_“That’s fine.”_

_30 minutes later, Monica’s back seat was occupied by a Winn-Dixie bag with mac and cheese and barbecue packets and a Wendy’s bag. Two large drinks sat in the front cup holders, water for Dana and Sprite for Monica. They pulled up to her driveway and got out of the car. Monica again held open the car door for Dana and also the front door._

_“After you, m’lady.”_

_The food had long since eaten and homework completed and looked over when Dana decided to call it a night, getting tired easily these days. Monica went up the stairs while Dana put on her jacket she had removed when she came in. Monica came back bearing a yellow gift bag._

_“Oh, Mon-“_

_“I know, but I wanted to give you something baby girl could have. You can open it now or after I drop you off.”_

_Dana chose to open it without Monica’s presence. After getting home and parting ways, she opened the front door. The living room was empty as she suspected for nine o’clock at night, and went into the living room. She lowered herself onto the couch and opened the gift._

_“Oh my gosh,” she whispered._

_It was a small stuffed bear. With it was a note._   
  


Butterball, 

I love you BEAR-y much! 

\- Aunt Monica ♡

P.s. You have the best mommy in the world!

_Dana could feel the tears coming. She was overwhelmed with happiness at having such a great friend, and also sadness at the fact she was pregnant to begin with. She set the note aside and looked at the bear. She hugged it and could feel her baby kicking as if also expressing her thanks. Dana rubbed her stomach and set a hand on top of it._

_“You have the best aunts in the world, baby girl. One is by blood, but the other is mommy’s best friend. I think you’ll love both of them.”_

_Yawning, Dana slowly got up, put the bear and note back in the bag, and set it on the dining room table. She walked to her parents’ room and knocked, waiting for the all-clear. After receiving it, she opened the door and found her parents sitting in bed, both reading._

_“Hey mom, dad, I’m home.”_

_“Okay, honey, thanks for letting us know,” Margaret Scully said._

_Dana kissed both of them goodnight, something that was getting a little hard to do without her rounded stomach touching against them._

_“Night mom, night Ahab.”_

_“Night, sweetie,” her mom said sweetly._

_“Goodnight, Starbuck,” her dad replied, taking a long glance at her swollen stomach as if he were still trying to register its existence._

_Dana closed the door and went back to get Monica’s gift. Taking it upstairs with her, she set it down on the dresser and reached for her phone in her back pocket. She had two messages. One from Monica saying she made it home, and the other from Hunter. They had been spending a decent amount of time together, but Hunter had been a little spacey the last few weeks, which was fine. Dana had needed her space before she knew she was pregnant. She just hoped it’d end before the baby came._

Hey babe. I miss you and bean. Wanna come over Friday? Trey’s gone all weekend. I love you. 

_Bean. That had been Hunter’s nickname for the baby, and she loved it._

Gotta let my parents know, but sure. I love you too.

_Dana put the phone on the nightstand and took off her clothes to shower._

_After finishing her nighttime routine, Dana slowly laid herself down on her bed and cradled her baby. Soon she’d be a mom. Though she’d never show it, she was terrified. She was only sixteen. and still in high school for another year. She wanted to apply to the University of Maryland, but would they accommodate her and her baby? Would Hunter come with her? He said he would go wherever she did, but his family was here in San Diego. If he did come with her, would she live with him and not worry about living arrangements, or would William Scully’s strict Catholic upbringing prevent him from allowing his daughter to live with her boyfriend before marriage? She had already gotten pregnant, what’s one more broken rule? These thoughts were enough to mentally tire Dana out, and the baby gave a swift kick to her ribs as if to say ‘mommy, chill out!’_ If only I could, baby girl. 

_Feeling the cross necklace she always wore, a gift from her mother at her confirmation, two fingers felt at the golden cross. Dana then took the cross and held in her palm, closing her fingers around it. Closing her eyes and look up at the ceiling, she prayed for the protection and well-being of her baby and guidance for herself._

_Dana laid on her side, soothed her baby, and drifted off into a restless sleep._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, with the girls’ names...
> 
> I had different names at first, but a mf can’t make up her goddamn mind, so I posted polls on Twitter and chose the most popular ones! 
> 
> I did have to make some discrepancies as Grace was the most popular middle names for Olivia, but an overwhelming majority also chose Grace as a middle name for Hannah. Olivia and Hannah were two of the most popular names chosen, so I had to use my veto powers and thus Hannah Grace and Olivia Claire became their names!
> 
> Also, Hoover is an actual school in California, but ‘The Commons’ is based off the interior of the high school I attended.


	3. Explained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fifteen-year-old Dana lets her guard down, and faces life-altering consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: implied sexual assault/rape/non-con
> 
> I want to preface this by saying I do not take sexual assault/rape/non-con lightly. I go more into depth in my notes (which you can find at the beginning and end of chapter 1). However, it does happen and by delving into topics such as this, I can hopefully spread awareness and open up dialogue. 
> 
> For those you have suffered these heinous acts, my heart goes out to you and I support you. For those who haven’t, hopefully I can shed light on this subject.
> 
> Thank you SO much to Nicole/OnlyTheInevitable for the beta! All mistakes my own.

_ January 2002 _

_ Her head was pounding. It was bright, that much she knew. She couldn’t remember much, only that Hunter took her to his place and she drank more than she should have. God, she had been so stupid. She should never have listened to him and asked Melissa to cover for her. Hunter was so sweet though; he had bought her flowers and taken her to dinner. He made her feel special. Loved. He knew just what to say to make her feel better.  _

_ At first she was skeptical of going to his place, but he promised nothing would happen. Well,  _ that _ was a lie, though she didn’t know it at the time. They had been dating for almost a year, and she trusted him. After seeing a movie and dinner, which he paid for, they went back to his house. They had spent maybe an hour just talking about anything, hopes and dreams, regular boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, but when he suddenly kissed her, he went  _ in _. This wasn’t just a kiss; they were making out. She had never been kissed by him so deeply before and it made her nervous. Apparently it manifested on the outside as well because she felt herself shaking. He broke the kiss and offered her a shot of vodka, telling her it would help her nerves. Dana had never had alcohol before. She remembered asking Melissa about how it felt after she came home drunk once. According to her older sister, it wasn’t the best, but wasn’t terrible. She eventually caved in after a LOT of coaxing from Hunter:  _ It’ll be fine. You won’t feel anything. I promise it’ll help. Don’t you love me, Day? Do it for me? _ She took the shot and felt the liquid burning her throat.  _

_ It wasn’t horrible. Hunter offered Dana another shot and she reluctantly accepted. She had always been the “goody two-shoes” of the family and she was almost sixteen, dammit. She just wanted to relax with her boyfriend. The longer time went on, the less anxious Dana became. Hunter was kissing her again, and this time she reciprocated. He moved to kiss her cheeks and moved down to her jawline and neck. He had never been this affectionate before and she was secretly enjoying it.  _

_ She knew her father would be disappointed, but she was tired of all the rules and being this perfect little Catholic girl. Besides, Hunter loved her and told her so all the time. Before she knew it, she had downed five shots while he’d had six. She could vaguely remember the weird feeling of not being able to fully move her limbs. It had felt as though heavy shackles had been chained to her wrists and ankles. Her brain felt fuzzy and her mouth moved but not words came out. The last thing she remembered was being led down a hallway and her clothes being removed.  _

_ Adjusting her eyes to the light peeking through the blinds, she felt an arm over her left breast and a hand covering her right and Dana suddenly realized she was completely naked. Immediately awash with regret and worry, she started to internally panic. Moving her legs, she felt a soreness in her center.  _ Shit. _ She didn’t plan on staying the night, and she definitely didn’t plan on having sex. She was going to wait until marriage; not because she had to, but because she wanted it to be her choice. Not to mention the fact she was  _ fifteen.  _ Not even a junior in high school and already she’d committed a host of sins in just one night. Would Melissa have covered for her? She’d only planned on spending a few hours at Hunter’s, not the whole night. Her sister was probably worried sick. Speaking of, she reached to feel her phone and luckily it was on the nightstand. The time showed almost ten o’clock in the morning.  _

_ Melissa. 25 missed calls. One voicemail. _

_ Dammit. _

_ She played the voicemail. _

Hey, Danes. I’m really worried. I assume you’re with Hunter so I told mom and dad you were with me. Please be careful and call me back. Bye.

_ Groaning, she tried to move, but Hunter only clung to her further. _

_ “Hunter.” She tried to move his arm. He was probably still asleep. “Hunter,” she said louder, panic evident in her voice. _

_ “Hmm?” he asked sleepily. _

_ “Hunter, what happened?”  _

_ “What do you mean?” He was sitting up now, as bare as she was. _

_ Dana moved to cover herself with the sheet. “I mean I don’t have any clothes on right now. Did we...do it?” She could feel the tears starting to form and her breathing quickened. _

_ He wiped them away. “Hey, hey hey, shh. It’s okay. What do you remember?” _

_ “I remember taking the shots you gave me and kissing you. My mind goes fuzzy after that. Hunter, did we have sex?” Her voice broke at the words. They already knew the answer, but she wanted to hear him say it. _

_ He put his head in his hands. “Yeah, we did.” _

_ “Oh my God.” She was sobbing now. “Did we use protection?” _

_ “I wore a condom, I promise,” Hunter said dismissively.  _

_ Hunter put his arms around her and held her. “It’s alright. Hey,” he cupped her face and turned it so they were looking at each other, “I love you, and it’s all going to be okay.” _

_ She sniffed, wiping more tears that fell, and leaned into his hold. She felt...empty. Releasing his hold, she got out of bed, still covering herself with the sheet.  _

_ “Where are you going?” _

_ “I have to call my sister,” she said, scouring the floor for her clothes. She found her bra and underwear, but the rest must’ve been taken off before they got to his bedroom. She found her other items of clothing as she walked down the hallway and found her shoes next to the couch.  _

_ She also found another boy in the kitchen making eggs and she felt her face turn beet red. _

_ He whistled, and her cheeks turned red. What was it with boys and their constant desire to make girls feel like shit? _

_ “Damn, Hunter, you didn’t tell me your girlfriend was hot!” _

_ “Leave her alone, Trey.”  _

_ She felt his presence getting closer and he moved to stand in front of her in a protective stance. He was now clad in a pair of boxers.  _

_ “Sorry, Day. I apologize for my asshole of a brother.” _

_ “Just callin’ ‘em like I see ‘em, dude.” _

_ Hunter scoffed, turning around to face her and cupping her jaw. “Are you alright? Do you still need to call your sister?” he asked in a low voice. _

_ Dana nodded.  _

_ “Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll wait for you, okay? Or do you want to shower first?” _

_ While Dana didn’t want to spend another minute with Trey, she looked, smelled, and felt like a mess. _

_ “I’d like to shower first.” _

_ Dana walked to the bathroom, Hunter not leaving her side until she got to the doorway. He got out a towel for her and left it on the counter, letting her know which side of the sink was his. After he left the room, she dropped the sheet and turned on the water, using the restroom while waiting for the water to heat up. When it was deemed warm enough, she stepped in and let the tears fall. She furiously scrubbed her skin as if trying to remove it. She felt dirty. This was not what Dana Scully did. Dana Scully didn’t have sex in high school. Dana Scully didn’t go against everything she was ever taught. Dana Scully wasn’t like that...until she was. _

_ She couldn’t bear telling her parents. What would they think? What would they say? Dana didn’t know if she could stomach her father telling her how disappointed he was of her.  _ Do I tell them at all? If I don’t say anything, they’ll never know. But I’ll feel guilty. _ She continued to cry.  _

_ After 30 minutes, Dana decided she had been in there for long enough. She turned the water off and dried with the towel. Then, she put on her clothes and looked at herself in the mirror.  _ I look terrible _. Her face was all blotchy from crying and dark circles found their way under her eyes. Going through Hunter’s toiletries, Dana located deodorant and a comb. Good enough. After freshening up and combing through her hair, she walked out of the bathroom.  _

_ Trey had now moved to the couch and was watching an episode of  _ Friends _. Refusing to meet his gaze, she walked past him to Hunter’s room. He was clothed and sitting on the bed. When she entered, he stood up, hands in his pockets.  _

_ “I’m going to call my sister,” she reiterated for the second time, moving to get her phone where she’d left it. _

_ “Do you need me to drive you over there?” _

_ “Maybe. I don’t know.” _

_ “Okay. I’ll give you some privacy.” _

_ He left the room and she dialed Melissa’s number. Melissa picked up on the first ring and she had to move the phone away from her face due to the sheer volume of her sister’s voice. _

_ “Dana Katherine Scully! Where the hell have you been? I told mom and dad you were studying at a friend’s house but you never called me so I told them I took you to my place to spend the night and were asleep so you couldn’t come to the phone. But I haven’t heard from you ALL. NIGHT. You have some explaining to do!” _

_ “Missy, I know, it’s just...I made a huge mistake.” _

_ “Danes, PLEASE tell me you didn’t do anything with Hunter.” _

_ All she could do was sob. _

_ “Oh, Dana. I’m on my way. Please send me the address. I promise I won’t tell mom and dad.” _

_ “Thank you, Missy. I don’t know what came over me. He offered me alcohol-” _

_ “Dana! You’re  _ fifteen _!” _

_ “I know, Missy, I was stupid. Please just come get me. 415 Westwood Drive.” _

_ “I’m getting in my car right now. I’ll be there soon.” _

_ Dana hung up the phone and ran her hand through her hair. After a few minutes, Hunter knocked on the door, opening it just enough to stick his head in. _

_ “Can I come in?” Hunter asked, knocking on the door. _

_ “You don’t have to ask, this is  _ your _ room,” Dana emphasized. _

_ “I know, but your privacy is more important.” _

_ He sat next to her and started to massage her shoulders. _

_ “Missy’s coming to pick me up soon.” _

_ “Hmm.”  _

_ “I just,” Dana sighed, “I’m sorry.” _

_ “You don’t have anything to apologize for. I shouldn’t have offered you vodka.” _

_ “And I shouldn’t have accepted.” _

_ “Even still, I accept full responsibility. Day, you have no fault in this.” Hunter tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. _

_ “I just don’t want this to be something we regret,” she said with a sense of guilt. _

_ He removed his hands and positioned himself in front of her, taking her hands in his. “Hey, none of that. We may not have made smart decisions, but I don’t regret it for a second. You’re still my number one girl. I love you, Dana Katherine, and I won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.” _

_ Dana leaned into Hunter, hugging him, tears falling for the umpteenth time that morning. She released her hold and moved to lay down. Hunter followed, spooning her. One arm laid under her, holding the back of her hand, and the other rested over her stomach. She relaxed into him.  _

_ “I love you, you know. This just...wasn’t something I planned on happening. I think...I just...I need some time to myself.” _

_ “I know, and I’ll be waiting for you.” _

_ Dana gave a small smile and turned her head towards him. He kissed the side of her mouth and she sighed. They laid together in comfortable silence until the honking of a car horn was heard. _

_ “That’s my sister.” _

_ “I’ll walk out with you.” _

_ They got up and made their way to the front door. Hunter opened it, letting Dana out first, and he shut it behind him. Sure enough, Melissa was sitting in her Subaru waiting for Dana. Hunter kissed her on the cheek and she smiled back, squeezing his hand.  _

_ “I’ll see you later, Day. Take as long as you need.” _

_ X _

_ “Okay, Danes, SPILL,” Melissa demanded once Dana had gotten in the car and they were on the road. _

Just tell her. _ “We had sex.” _

_ “Oh my GOD! Did he hurt you? That son of a bitch-” Ever the caring older sister, Melissa was frustrated. Sensing Hunter was a sketchy dude, she wasn’t surprised he’d try something like this. But this was her little sister.  _

_ “He didn’t hurt me, Missy. I don’t even remember it,” Dana shamefully admitted. _

_ “What?! Then-” _

_ “I could...feel that we had done it.” _

_ Melissa was silent for several moments and her face was ghost white. “You were always the good one, Danes. Well, besides Bill, but he’s a prick.” she tried but could not hide her disdain for their older brother.  _

_ “And I’m tired of it. I can’t be the perfect little Catholic like mom and dad want. I didn’t plan on it, but I just wanted to relax and the vodka was stronger than I expected.” _

_ “How many?” _

_ “What?” _

_ “How many shots?” Melissa clarified. _

_ “Uh… five, I think? I can’t remember.” _

_ “Dana! That’s WAY too many for you! No wonder you can’t remember anything! You’re lucky you didn’t get alcohol poisoning!” _

_ “I know, I know,” Dana admitted, putting her face in her hands.  _

_ Melissa sighed. At least her sister was okay. “Well… as I said, your secret is safe with me, but don’t you think you need to get tested? I mean, who knows what he has.”  _

__ _  
_ _ “He used a condom-“ _

_ “Well that’s a relief.” _

_ “-and I told him I needed a break.” _

_ Melissa turned her head towards her younger sister, who was staring at the houses they passed. _

_ “I think you made the right choice.” _

_ “What if I didn’t? He was so sweet, Missy, and told me he’d wait for me. What if I take too long?”  _

_ “Danes, if he really loves you, he’ll wait until you’re ready.”  _

_ “Since when did you become an expert in these things?” Dana teased. _

_ “I wouldn’t say expert, per se. More like guru. But the most important thing, Dana, is that you’re safe and okay.” _

_ “I am. At least I think I am. I will be. You’ll make sure of that.” _

_ The two sisters laughed and soon fell into a comfortable silence until Melissa pulled into their parents’ driveway.  _

_ “Thanks for doing this, Missy.” _

_ “Anytime. I’m here for you, Danes. I’m always available.” Melissa took Dana’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Again, I just want you to be okay.” _

_ Dana got out of the car and waved goodbye to her sister. Opening the front door, she found her mother in the kitchen making sandwiches. Her father was in the living room reading.  _

_ “Dana! I didn’t hear you come in! Did you have fun at Melissa’s?” Margaret Scully asked her daughter.  _

_ Dana walked over to her mom and gave her a kiss on the cheek.  _

_ “I did.” _

_ “I’m glad. I’m just making lunch for me and your father if you want anything?” _

_ “No thanks, mom. We stayed up pretty late and I’m tired. I’m just going to take a nap.” Dana faked a yawn to prove her statement.  _

_ “Well, don’t sleep too late or you’ll be too tired for church tomorrow.” _

_ “Okay, mom.” _

_ Dana made her way up the stairs to her bedroom and shut the door. She could hear her younger brother Charlie in the next room playing whatever video game he was obsessed with at the moment. Putting her keys on the dresser, she flopped down on the bed, interlacing her hands on top of her stomach and staring at the ceiling. She pulled her phone out of her back pocket and saw a text from Hunter. _

As long as you need.

_ She put her phone on the nightstand and fell into a fitfull sleep.  _

_ X _

_ March 2002 _

_ It was now the middle of March, school was almost out for spring break, and Dana started to feel different. It had been nearly ten weeks since that night at Hunter’s and she still didn’t feel ready to rekindle their relationship. He was patient and understanding, but it still made Dana feel terrible.  _

_ The thing was, she wasn’t just feeling terrible mentally. At first, she thought it was just the stomach bug, maybe the flu. However, it didn’t go away. The flu doesn’t last for ten days, and not to this severity. Dana took freshmen health class. After a week straight of emesis at all hours and constant nausea, she did some math and realized she hadn’t menstruated since she slept with Hunter. Her health class may not have been adequate, but she knew there was only one possibility. With one particularly horrible bout of emesis one morning after she got ready for school, she knew what she had to do. _

_ Dana told Monica about her suspicions and she agreed to keep it on the down-low. After school got out that day, she called her mother to let her know she was going to Monica's house to study. She then called Melissa and asked if she and Monica could come over. Now that she was 16, her parents had gotten her a car, the same make and model as Melissa’s, but hers was white while her older sister’s was more of a silvery color.  _

_ They made their way to Melissa’s apartment, but not without stopping at a Dollar Tree first. Dana browsed the women’s health aisle until her eyes landed on a section of different colored rectangular boxes. She grabbed two pink ones and two bottles of water. They arrived at Melissa’s apartment, bottles empty and bag in hand, and knocked on the door.  _

_ “It’s open!” Melissa’s muffled voice called out. _

_ They entered and found Melissa in the middle of placing what looked like different crystals on a high shelf. Her sister’s hair was in a messy bun and the smell of organic cleaning supplies Melissa switched to was strong, making Dana’s stomach churn.  _

_ “What’s up, Danes? I’m almost done. Hey Monica.” Sure enough, she placed one last crystal on the shield and stepped down from the stool she was on. _

_ “Hey Melissa.” _

_ Wordlessly, Dana took a box out of the bag and held it up. Melissa walked over to her and took one look. Eyes wide, she sighed and took a box, looking at it.  _

_ “You’re sure? I thought he used a condom.” _

_ “And condoms can break. Anyway, I don’t know for sure, but...”  _

_ “Better to be certain. I understand. Just...I hope it turns out the way you want. But this also means you need to get tested to make sure he didn’t have any diseases or stuff like that.” _

_ “I know. I just didn’t think this would happen.” _

_ A lone tear fell down Dana’s cheek as she took the box back and made her way to the bathroom. Opening both boxes, she looked at the instructions from one and followed them. Soon, Melissa knocked on the door and made sure it was safe for her and Monica to come in.  _

_ “Hey, you doing okay?” Monica asked.  _

_ “I don’t know.” _

_ Melissa sat on the edge of the tub while Dana rested on top of the toilet lid and Monica stayed standing, the two tests sitting on the counter. _

_ “How long does it say?” Melissa asked. _

_ “Uh, two minutes, I think.” _

_ “What are you going to tell Hunter?” Monica piped up. _

_ “I don’t know.” Dana placed her head in her hands. “I never thought this would happen to me. Dad will be so disappointed.”  _

_ Melissa couldn’t argue with her there. William Scully raised his children to be what he considered productive members of society. Their older brother Bill was the golden boy; he followed his father’s footsteps and joined the Navy after graduating in 1999.  _

_ Melissa refused to conform to their Catholic beliefs, believing in healing crystals and homeopathic remedies. Dana remembered her father telling her older sister that if she wasn’t going to go to college or join a respectable career, then she had no place in the Scully home. After Melissa’s graduation in 2001, she became a certified doula and made good money, able to afford a studio apartment in an okay part of town. She worked at a holistic shop as well for some extra cash and stable hours.  _

_ Dana wanted to pursue medicine, hoping to be a doctor of some kind. William and Margaret Scully were proud and couldn’t stop telling everyone who would listen how their little girl was going to be a doctor someday.  _

_ Charlie...well, Charlie was fourteen and just finished his last year of middle school. He was still a wild card. For now he enjoyed playing video games and made good grades. _

_ Melissa just sighed and placed a reassuring hand on Dana’s knee.  _

_ “It’s going to be okay, Danes.  _ If  _ what you think turns out to be true, I’m here for you. You won’t be alone,” Melissa assured. _

_ Monica nodded in agreement. “Yeah. We’ll be here for you and whatever you need.” _

_ Two minutes came and went and the Scully sisters plus Monica went over to the counter. Dana took their hands and they looked at the results. Four vibrant pink lines stared back at her mockingly. She rested her head on her best friend’s shoulder and cried, cursing God or herself, she wasn’t sure. _

_ It was official. Dana Katherine Scully was pregnant.  _


	4. Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dana has an ultrasound appointment. Later, she gets another kind of appointment, one she VERY much enjoys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains smut. I know I said I wouldn’t, but I wanted to explore and bring to life the reality of just how awkward these experiences can be. While I enjoy smutty fic, it’s not always perfect (although I wish it was!). 
> 
> I also want to mention that I in no way am sexualizing Mulder and Scully by writing smut. I am simply writing a beautiful and intimate experience between two beloved characters. 
> 
> A HUGE thank you to Nicole/OnlyTheInevitable for the beta! All mistakes my own.

Chapter 4

April 2009

Rachel Smith had been an obstetrician for the last ten years, and she saw a diverse range of patients. However, Dana Scully was far from a regular patient. A divorced single mom with two kids and one on the way while attending medical school all while having just turned twenty-three. Not many women were in that position, and certainly none she had come across. Despite the odds against her, Dana seemed to be handling everything with grace. However, she was often emotionless. When Dana had first walked into Rachel’s office and discovered she was pregnant, she couldn’t stop crying. Now, it seemed as if she was in a constant state of numbness. When she came in for her twelve-week ultrasound last month, she didn’t even look at the screen. It was as if she had resigned herself to being a single mom of three forever and it didn’t seem as though she had many friends. At least, not in the Palo Alto area. Dana was smart, knew what she should and shouldn’t do during her pregnancy, but this pregnancy seemed anything but easy for her. According to her patient information, it wasn’t the first time with a difficult pregnancy either.

“Hi Dana,” Rachel greeted as she opened the door to the exam room Dana was in.

“Hi,” Dana responded meekly.

“So, have you noticed anything off since you were last here?” the doctor asked sweetly. 

Dana liked Dr. Smith. She had dirty blonde hair that rested just under her shoulders, and kind blue eyes that reminded Dana of summers spent on the beach. While she was older than her by about fifteen years, she didn’t look it. Her voice was soft and soothing, which Dana preferred for a stressful pregnancy such as this one. Not much else was known about her obstetrician, other than she had a girl and a boy in high school and elementary school respectively. Dana was both excited and terrified to see her girls get to the stage Dr. Smith’s daughter was at. Remembering what she and Missy were like as teenagers, she mentally cringed. 

“Dana?” Rachel prompted.

“Sorry,” Dana apologized. “Just lost in thought.”

“It’s alright.”

“But uh, yeah. I started having some pelvic pain last week. Mild, but uncomfortable. I thought it might be SPD, but I don’t know. It’s on and off.”

“Okay. Well, in that case we’ll do a transvaginal ultrasound instead of the transabdominal.”

Dana grimaced. Having a transducer in your vagina was not what she considered a fun activity for a Friday afternoon.

“Sorry about that, I know it’s not the preferred ultrasound,” Rachel said apologetically.

“It’s okay. It’s not like I haven’t had them before.” 

“So if you can just lie back for me, Dana, and we can see how the baby's doing, okay? I’ll try to distract you.”

Dana nodded silently and laid back on the exam table, putting her feet in the stirrups.

“How’s Stanford?” Rachel asked as she put on a pair of gloves and applied a lubricant to the transducer. 

Dana was oddly appreciative she kept the focus away from the pregnancy. It was nice to have someone interested in what she was doing besides growing a person, which is all anyone that saw her wanted to talk about. Dana unfortunately discovered during her first pregnancy that not only is your body not completely your own, but absolute strangers felt they had the right to it. One of her biggest pet peeves during pregnancy was definitely all the unwarranted touches her belly got. Sometimes, she didn’t want to be ‘Dana the mom’ or ‘Dana the pregnant woman.’ She just wanted to be Dana, and was grateful Dr. Smith respected that.

“It’s okay. A lot of work, for sure.”

“Any specialty you’re considering?” Rachel handed her the transducer. 

“I’m, uh,” Dana paused and grunted softly as she inserted the instrument, “interested in pathology.” 

“Kate wants to go into pediatrics for now, but she changes her mind so much, I'm not sure what she’ll end up doing or if she’ll even go into anything medical. She’s only sixteen, so she’s got a couple of more years before she has to decide. One thing about teenage girls you get to look forward to, Dana. They change their minds. A lot. I don’t remember ever being like this at her age,” Rachel chuckled.

Dana smiled softly, wincing as Rachel moved the device around to get a good view for the ultrasound.

“Gracie wants to be a vet and Liv wants to be a ballerina. I’m not sure how I got children so different in personality. They’re like night and day but get along just fine. For now.”

“Give it ten years,” Rachel teased.

With only a little discomfort, Rachel performed the ultrasound and soon the steady _whoosh, whoosh_ of a heartbeat could be heard.

“Okay mom, and here’s baby,” Rachel said sweetly, pointing to a black and white pixelated screen. “We can go ahead and find out the sex if you’d like.”

Dana wanted to know. No surprises. This baby was enough of a surprise.

“I want to know, please.”

“Congratulations, Dana. You’re having another little girl.”

Dana breathed a sigh of relief. As much as she would have loved this baby either way, she wasn’t a huge fan of buying all new clothes if the baby was a boy. At least she could keep her girls’ clothes and she still had some of the baby clothes from when she had Liv, her mother wanting to save them ‘just in case.’

“I gather you had a preference?” Rachel observed. 

“No, it’s just… I don’t have to buy new clothes and stuff now. I still have things from when the girls were little. Plus, I don’t know how I’d be able to handle a boy, honestly. My track record with them isn’t the best.”

“I understand completely. Jake is definitely a wild child. Anyway, you can get dressed while I print out a picture for you. Would you like a copy for your girls?” the obstetrician asked as she gave Dana a towel to clean herself with.

“Sure,” Dana answered, releasing her feet from the stirrups and pulling her underwear and jeans on under her gown. “Um, also,” she started, hoping to get the doctor’s attention as she put on her bra and t-shirt, “I’m still experiencing occasional morning sickness sometimes, and I was wondering if that was normal. With Gracie and Liv, it was completely gone by the start of my second trimester. With this one, it seems to be lingering.”

“Well, every pregnancy is different, so as long as you’re taking care of yourself and your baby, you should be okay. For some women, they experience occasional morning sickness up until they give birth. It all depends on the woman and pregnancy. With the stress you’ve mentioned having lately, I wouldn’t be surprised if it persisted. However, if it starts to get worse like in the first trimester, you should definitely come back so we can do some tests. For now, I wouldn’t worry. Just make sure to get your fluids and eat when you’re hungry. You’ll be okay, Dana,” Dr. Smith said, laying a hand on her shoulder. “That little one in there’s a fighter.”

Dana breathed a sigh of relief. After putting on her shoes and receiving two copies of her ultrasound picture, she got off the table. Her hand reached for her stomach and she felt the small swell. The bump felt hard now, and it was only a matter of time until the kicks followed. 

“Everything looks good so far, Dana. I know you mentioned having a partial abruption and some hospital visits when you were pregnant with Olivia, but everything is going smoothly. The most important thing is to take care of yourself physically and mentally. Try not to worry about the sickness, okay?”

“Thanks, Dr. Smith.” Dana gave a small smile and after receiving two copies of her ultrasound, made her way out of the room. She stopped at the front desk and made her five-month appointment. It was hard to believe she was 16 weeks along. She was already only a month from being halfway through with her pregnancy and if she was being honest, handling two children and a newborn were not what she had planned for her 20s. 

Stopping by the restroom first to relieve her bladder, Dana had time to think. She hadn’t planned for most of the things that happened in her life, if she was being honest. Children were a wait-until-you’re-30 thing and becoming a doctor used to be her number one priority. She wanted to graduate high school with no hassle. Well, until Gracie came along. Then it was diaper changes, essays written with a baby to her breast, turning down midnight runs to Waffle House for midnight feedings, and the numerous looks she got every day from older parents while dropping off and picking up her baby before and after school and her peers when they saw her with Gracie out in public. She wouldn’t have traded it for the world.

X

One thing Dana never understood about pregnancy was the simultaneous feelings of arousal, nausea, and ravenousness. Having gotten to the second trimester, she felt like a wanton woman, wanting to bed every warm-blooded man who looked her age. Yet, there was the emesis problem _._ Just the other day she had to pull over after picking her girls up after her classes to expel what little food she had been able to stomach. Of course her girls worried, but after her appointment earlier in the day, she felt a little better about it. Tonight, however, she was starving. And her OB/GYN _specifically_ said to eat when she was hungry. Technically, she’d be following her doctor’s orders. After asking Taylor to please stay a little bit later, promising to pay extra, she found herself walking through downtown Palo Alto at 4:30 pm on a Friday afternoon. 

While alcohol was out of the question, it didn’t stop Dana from going to her favorite bar and grill restaurant in town. The food was actually pretty good and she could totally go for some wings right now. Her stomach rumbled, as if the baby was agreeing. 

Since there were a lot of people and not enough tables, she was more than welcome to sit at the bar. The irony. She went and lifted herself up on one of the stools, smoothed a hand over her stomach, and ordered water and wings, hold the sauce. Looking around at the people getting a drink in before they have to go home, senior citizens eating their dinner, and the college students getting an early start before they went to the bars, Dana was envious. Not that she was an alcoholic by any means, but what she wouldn’t give to be able to have a good beer right now. She rested her head in one hand and scrolled through her phone with the other. 

As it happened, a waitress placed a beer bottle next to her and informed it it was complimentary of the man next to the window. She turned in that direction, and sure enough, a brunette-haired man made his way over to her. He sat next to her and smiled. 

_Think, Dana, think. There is a gorgeously handsome, warm-blooded man sitting next to you who bought you a beer. You want to jump into bed with him yet don’t even know his name. And how do you tell him you can’t drink?_

“So, what’s a pretty lady like you doing all alone?”

“Is that a question you normally ask to pick up women?” she teased.

He chuckled. “It’s Friday afternoon, and you seem like the type of person who’d be here with someone, is all. And since you _are_ here alone, I thought maybe a beer would cheer you up?”

“Well, I’m flattered, but I’m not drinking tonight.” _Please buy it, please buy it, please buy it._

The man shrugged and took the bottle. “Alright then, I might as well.” He took a swig and set it back down. “So, honestly, what brings a pretty redhead alone to a restaurant?”

“My, aren’t we curious? You know what they say about curiosity,” Dana teased.

“Hey, can’t blame a guy for wondering. Besides, you looked like you have some troubles, and who knows? Maybe you’d be one of those people who tells their life story to a stranger after having one too many drinks.”

“Am I that obvious?” Dana teased. “Actually, You’ll be saddened to know it takes a little more than too many drinks to get me to spill, no pun intended.”

“I majored in psychology, but obviously I need to ask for my money back.”

Dana chuckled, wanting to show him she wasn’t as cold as he may have thought. “Anyway, you went through the trouble of trying to buy me a drink and I still don’t know your name.”

“Mulder.”

“Just Mulder?”

“Just Mulder.”

“Okay, ‘just Mulder,’ since you like last names, I guess you can call me Scully.”

“Pleased to meet you, Scully.” Mulder held out his hand and she took it. “You seem like the type of person who’s skeptical of strangers, so I’ll let you ask me any question you want to prove I’m not as creepy as I seem.” Mulder took another swig of his beer.

Dana cocked an eyebrow and took a sip of water. Her food came and she took a bite out of a wing. 

“No sauce? Seems kind of bland,” Mulder noted.

Dana just shrugged. “So any question?” she asked, changing the subject. 

He nodded. “Any question. No strings attached.”

Dana was apprehensive, but she _was_ curious about the mystery man who went by ‘Mulder.’ “Alright, so what’s a man like yourself doing here alone?” she asked.

“Just work.”

“Which is?”

“FBI,” he said nonchalantly.

Dana raised both eyebrows this time. “That doesn’t sound like ‘just work’ to me.” She finished off one of the wings and took a sip of water. 

“Well, it’s not, actually. I deal with the more...paranormal cases.”

“Like little green men?”

“Gray.”

“What?”

“They’re gray men, not green,” he informed her. 

Dana made an impressed face. “Noted. So Mulder, do you usually try to pick up women everywhere work brings you?”

He paused, thinking about what he was going to say. “Do you want the honest answer, or the answer you want to hear?” 

_Playing it safe. Smooth._ “You can be honest. Trust me, you won’t hurt my feelings.”

“Okay then. This is the first time, and I’m not going to lie, I probably looked like a fool.”

“Maybe, but I thought it was sort of cute.” Dana admitted, smiling. 

“As long as I don’t come across completely repulsive, that’s a win in my book.”

Dana nudged his arm. “Give yourself more credit. I’m sure there are plenty of pretty FBI agents wanting to get with you.”

“Maybe, but they’re not as beautiful as you,” he blurted out.

Dana blushed and turned away, eating her food to distract herself. Mulder sputtered and ran his hand through his hair nervously. 

“I’m so sorry. I just... welp, I skipped right past ‘calm and collected’ straight into ‘completely repulsive’ pretty early, didn’t I?”

 _Was he nuts?_ Dana couldn’t explain to him how much she had missed hearing those words come from _anyone’s_ mouth. “Oh no! I’m sorry, you’re fine! It’s just...been a long time since I’ve heard those words, and it took me by surprise is all.”

“You sure? You don’t want to run for the hills or anything?”

“I’m sure.” She looked up into his eyes, and appreciated the hazel orbs. Taking in his features, she noticed the way his bottom lip poked out, almost as if he was constantly pouting. _Lord help me find the strength not to kiss a complete stranger. Don’t do it, Dana._ She could feel the heat from her core and both cursed and thanked her heightened arousal making her feel like a cat in heat. _Dammit. Fucking pregnancy hormones._ Licking her lips, she continued. “In fact, I can think of a better plan,” she said in a low voice. _Well, there goes_ that _plan. Way to be subtle, Dana. Good fucking job._

Now it was Mulder’s turn to raise his eyebrows. He knew what she meant. Oh yes, he understood _very_ well. “Are you absolutely certain? I don’t...I mean…”

“What, you’ve never had a woman proposition herself to you?”

He scratched the back of his head. “I mean...I just...you’re gorgeous and _completely_ out of my league…”

“One night, Mulder. Just one. No strings attached,” she repeated his earlier statement.

She finished off her food and drink, waiting for him to respond.

“Your place or mine?” he finally asked.

Dana smiled and excused herself. “Just let me make a call and we can go wherever you’re staying.”

X

Dana and Mulder barely made it inside his motel room before connecting their lips. Just as the door closed, he turned her around and with her back against it, he kissed her fervently, raking his hands up and down her body. Bringing his hands back up to cup her face, he turned them around and led them towards the bed. She slowly lowered herself on the bed, using her hands as leverage. He crawled to her and she giggled. Cupping her jaw, he plastered kisses over her face and neck.

“God, you’re… so… fucking… hot,” he said in between kisses. 

He lifted his arms, taking his shirt with him and tossing on the floor. He went to work on his pants next while she did the same until they were both without their bottoms. Starting to tug at her shirt, he attempted to remove it, but she moved his hands away. He looked at her curiously. 

_Okay, Dana. Just relax. He probably won’t even notice._

Hesitantly, she took a deep breath and moved his hands back to her shirt and he slowly pulled it up and over her head. He kissed her neck while raking his hands over her body, seemingly not noticing the changes. On the one hand, she was glad he didn’t notice her baby belly. On the other, she was a little disappointed. It felt, at least to her, like anyone would be able to tell she was pregnant. _Focus, Dana._

While he continued kissing her, she worked on removing her bra, her breasts begging to be freed. Once it was off, she tossed it towards the edge of the bed. He cupped her breasts, gently kneading them and thumbing her nipples as he kissed her neck. Trying to not groan in pain at the sensation, her eyes watered and she quietly gasped. They felt sensitive and sore, and touching only made it worse. 

“Are you okay?” Mulder asked, sensing she was uncomfortable.

“No,” she said, taking his hands off of her. 

Mulder knitted his eyebrows in confusion. 

_Maybe I should’ve left it on. Damn it, Dana._

“Off-limits,” was all she could manage.

“No problem. I just want you to be comfortable.” 

She sighed in relief and kissed him again. After more rounds of kissing -who were they kidding, full-on makeout sessions- they worked on the other’s underwear, pulling them off until they were both bared before each other.

“What position?” he asked as he continued to kiss her, moving down her neck, feeling the curves of her body. 

“This is fine,” she said breathlessly, her hands in his hair as he kissed her lower belly, dangerously close to her center. No pressure on her breasts or stomach was the goal. “Just try to keep your weight off me, okay?”

“Okay.” He took his time, making sure she knew he appreciated every part of her body, even the parts she was hesitant to reveal. “You are so beautiful.” 

She hooked a leg around his waist, pulling him closer to her. “Just fuck me already, Mulder.”

“Yes ma’am,” he grinned and used two fingers to part her opening. Pushing his fingers into her, he swore he heard a moan as he felt her natural lubrication on his fingers. He added another finger, then another, moving his hand in and out of her. “Do you have anything?”

“I’m clean.”

“What about protection?” 

_Well, it’s not like you can get me pregnant._ “I’m on the pill,” she lied, assuming he didn’t have any on his part. 

Mulder sighed in relief and sped up his movements. Dana was almost panting at this point. Hunter never did this; he never took care of her needs, so this was a new experience. She felt him remove his fingers and tried to steady her breathing as he positioned himself at her entrance. He ran the hand that just left Dana’s body over his length. 

“Let me know if it hurts, okay?” he asked.

Dana nodded and gasped as he pushed himself into her slowly. She gripped the bed sheet and arched her body a little as he sped up his movements. Not once did she feel this good while with Hunter. Mulder was careful and concerned about her needs, making sure she was comfortable, and he was a complete stranger. Trying to push thoughts of her ex aside, she focused on Mulder, whose face was currently inches away from hers. 

“Still good?” he asked.

“Actually, my back hurts a little.”

“Do you want to be on top?”

She’d never been on top before. “I’ve never been on top...“ she admitted, embarrassed. 

“I’ll help. Just relax, and I can guide you.”

Dana lifted herself up with her elbows and held onto his neck as he grabbed her back. Still inside her, he shifted until they were both vertically upright. 

“We can do it this way, or I can lay down, it’s up to you.”

 _Well damn, if he isn’t the most considerate partner on this planet._ “Um, this is fine.”

“Okay, so you’re in charge now. Just do what feels right.”

She nodded nervously and held onto his shoulders. Trying to remember what she’d read on the internet, Dana started to rotate her pelvis. Her movements were awkward at first, but she gained a rhythm and he was moving as well. Soon she was bouncing up and down, her breasts mere centimeters from Mulder’s face. However, the bobbing motion pained her breasts even more and she wanted to stop. 

“I’m sorry,” she apologized. “Can we try another way?”

“Of course,” Mulder assured, stroking her face. 

Resorting to a position she had been in countless times, she got off of him, turning around and bending over on all fours. She heard him mutter something under his breath, and hoped it was positive. 

“You sure?” he asked, voice cracking.

She turned her head to look at him and nodded. As he entered her again, she moaned at the sensation. _Oh yes._

“Go faster,” she said breathlessly.

”Yes ma’am.” 

As he picked up the pace, both of them started to breathe loudly in response coupled with the noise of their bodies slapping together. Mulder started to move his hand around her hip and down and, after a few trial and errors, found her clit. Dana whimpered as a result and it took everything in her not to cry out. Pregnancy made her feel more sensitive, and the bundle of nerves above her vaginal opening was no different.

“I’m not going to last much longer,” he noted. True to his word, after a few more pumps, she felt him release inside of her, still feeling around her nerves. He replaced his length with his fingers, curling them upward. She knew what he was trying to do, and she appreciated the effort. 

“Mulder, it’s okay. Really.” 

He kept going, using both of his hands. “No, I want you to come too.”

“Mulder, seriously. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but it’s okay. I don’t have to finish.”

“Scully, I want you to get something out of this, too.” He curled and uncurled his fingers, sliding them in and out and rubbing her clit as Dana looked back at him with pity.

“Mulder, I promise, I don’t feel-oh my fucking God!” she gasped. She felt her inner muscles quiver and arched her back. Her eyes closed, she tilted her head back and cried out in pleasure as her legs shook. 

“I told you,” he gloated teasingly. 

Dana, breathless, smirked and turned around, patting his chest. “Excuse me,” she said as she slid out of bed to use the restroom and clean herself up. She picked up her clothes and underwear as she did so. 

“Nice ass,” Mulder said as she bent down, causing her to laugh and shake her head. 

“Men,” she said in mock annoyance before she closed the bathroom door. 

While she was in there, Mulder got a call about his case. He called out her name, but no response was given. After putting on his clothes, he gently knocked on the bathroom door, but all he heard was the sound of retching. Opening the door, he found Dana, fully clothed, over the toilet heaving. He knelt down and held her hair back until it passed. When she was done, he wet a washcloth and she flushed the toilet. Taking the cool, wet fabric from him, she dabbed various parts of her face and mouth.

“Are you alright? Are you sick?” 

“I’m not sick, I promise.”

Confused, but deciding not to press it, he brushed some of the hair away from her face. “I just got a call from work. I hate to cut this short, but-”

“That’s all it was going to be, Mulder. It’s okay. I have to get going anyway.”

She gathered her things and he got dressed back into his work clothes. He opened the door for her and she smiled as she walked out of his motel room. She stopped and turned to face him. 

“Thank you for that, Mulder. I don’t usually have sex with a guy I just met, but there’s just something about you I can’t quite put my finger on.”

“It was _absolutely_ no problem.” He smiled suggestively and she shook her head, smiling as well. They walked to his car and got in. 

“Where do I drop you off?” he asked.

“You can just drop me off back at the restaurant. I parked nearby and it’s not even seven yet. I should be alright.” 

“I just want to say thanks,” Scully spoke up during the mostly silent ride back. 

“It’s no problem.”

“No, I meant… most guys don’t… ask me what I want, I guess is what I’m trying to say.”

“Oh,” Mulder realized. 

“You were gentle and listened, and I really appreciated it.”

“It was the least I could do,” he remarked, turning his head to look at her. 

Dana looked back at him and smiled. “I hope I wasn’t too bad,” she queried. 

“Not at all,” he assured. He turned his attention back to driving. “I had a great time.”

After reaching their destination, they looked and smiled at each other once more. 

“Well, duty calls. I wish you well, Scully.”

“Goodbye, Mulder.” She got out of the car and watched him drive off. 

And so, they parted ways. Two people with lives the other was completely oblivious to. A woman trying to move on from her past, and a man stuck in his. She resigned to single parenthood, and he with no thoughts of parenthood at all. While Dana felt a little regretful for not being completely honest with him, there was no way she could’ve told him about the pregnancy at risk of scaring him off. It was better that way. He was none the wiser about her condition, and she could go on with her life knowing she’ll never see him again. That fact in itself enough to justify the withholding of that particular piece of information. Of course, that was the beauty of ‘one-night stands.’ The less known, the better. No emotional investment, no hurt, and no pain. Just the comfort of another human’s body utilized for the most primal of instincts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mulder will be back, I promise! This is MSR, after all ;)


	5. Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In 2009, twenty-three-year-old Dana tries to get answers. In 2002, sixteen-year-old Dana welcomes her child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! My social work classes have been picking up speed and I have papers to write, quizzes and tests to take, so much studying, papers to write, and did I mention all the papers I have to write? 😅
> 
> Thank you so much to OnlyTheInevitable for the beta!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: there will be mentions of rape and victim blaming because Hunter fucking sucks

August 2009

Spring turned into summer. It was now August, and Dana was feeling the California summer heat. At thirty-four weeks pregnant, she was ready for this baby to come out. Coupled with the high temperatures, she felt tired and cranky, and irritated she still had over a month left of her pregnancy. After her first day of clinical rotations, she just wanted to soak in a nice, cold bath with no responsibilities. However, she had two children that needed her attention. 

After unlocking her apartment door and the girls running to their bedroom, Dana took off her shoes, set her keys and purse down, and waddled her way to the bathroom. The baby seemed to take up every available inch of space left, and her bladder was definitely among them. After using the restroom, she splashed cold water on her face to cool herself off. Slowly but surely, she then trekked to her bedroom. She changed out of her scrubs and into a tank top and cotton shorts, feeling ten times better. Going back to the bathroom, she wiped her skin with baby wipes, removing the sweat and grime that had accumulated throughout the day. 

After checking to make sure the girls were behaving themselves, Dana went into the living room to relax. She slowly sat down on the couch, holding her stomach as she did so, and moved around so she was laying across the couch, her back resting on a pillow. She snarled as she heard her cell phone ring, having just gotten comfortable. Scoffing, she slowly sat up and walked over to her purse. Checking the caller ID, she was surprised to see her lawyer calling. 

“Hello?” Dana answered 

“Ms. Scully, thank you for picking up. I know this is unprecedented, but they absolutely insisted I relay this information.”

“Which is?” she inquired. 

“I do hate to ask this of you, but your ex-husband has requested to see you. And the girls, if he can. He says he has important information to tell you and wants to reconcile.”

“Mrs. Adams, he lost his chance to reconcile a year ago.” Dana tried and failed to hide the anger in her voice.

“I understand,” Mrs. Adams said. 

Dana sighed. This was her chance to finally get answers. As much as she didn’t want to see him, she had to know. “However, I’ll see him. But I won’t bring the girls. I don’t want them in that type of environment.”

“Well, I’ll be sure to let his lawyer know. He said in the case you said yes, he wants you to meet him Wednesday around 4:30.”

“That’s only two days from now, but I can do that.” While she tried not to sound annoyed, she couldn’t help it. She just wished her lawyer wasn’t on the receiving end. 

“Great. I’ll let them know. I’m sorry you have to do this, Dana.”

“It’s alright. Thank you for letting me know.”

Ending the call, she sighed and put her face in her hands. Fuck _all_ of this shit. She didn’t have long to think about it, however, as two pairs of feet stormed into the living room. Gracie and Liv jumped on the couch and laughed as they crowded Dana. 

“Mommy, play with us!” Liv begged. She was finally getting a grasp of pronouncing her Ls and Rs. 

“Mommy’s tired, baby. I would if I could.”

“Is it the baby?” Gracie asked.

“I’m afraid it is.”

“Kaylee said babies make mommies tired. Her mommy had a baby last year and she said she slept a lot. Do you sleep a lot?” 

Dana chuckled. Ever the inquisitive Scully, Gracie asked questions about anything and everything. She wanted to know. “Sometimes. My energy drains faster, so I’m tired a lot.”

“Why don’t you just sleep?”

By this point Liv was playing with various toys in the living room, subsequently making a mess.

“Someone has to keep an eye on you two,” Dana teased. 

That seemed to satisfy Gracie, and she joined Liv in the living room. Luckily, the Scully girls were easily entertained and occupied themselves until it was dinner time. Occasionally they’d have to wake up their mom who’d dozed off, giggling each time.

Later that night, after the girls were in bed, Dana found herself on the couch scrolling through Facebook on her computer. Checking up on college friends and her family, Dana wondered how differently her life would’ve been if she’d never met Hunter. How she connected Facebook to that, she wasn’t sure, but she couldn’t help her curiosity.

She certainly wouldn’t have two sleeping children thirty feet away and another in her belly. Nor would she have the experience of the years of abuse she endured at his hands or the intrusive thoughts that made her way into her mind from time to time. _Worthless. Unloveable. Unfuckable. A terrible mother and wife._

It was his fault, she had realized too late. _He_ was the reason for her trauma. For so long, she blamed herself for the bruises she tried to cover up or the nights he entered into her without asking, causing pain physically as well as mentally. _Just take it, Dana. You owe me this. If you love me, you’ll let me do this. I need this._

She wanted to know. The years of abuse. Everytime he would rape her. Every hurtful word he said. She wanted to know why. He was the perfect boyfriend in the beginning. Appreciative. Understanding. When did it change? _Why_ did it change? 

When did he become a monster, or was the monster always there just waiting to show itself?

Shaking these thoughts away, she focused on another. For some reason, Mulder just wouldn’t leave her brain. He was kind and considerate for someone she’d only known for a few hours several months prior. Curious, she searched ‘Mulder’ on Facebook and only one match came up. 

_Oh my God, his name is FOX? No wonder he didn’t want to give his first name,_ Dana thought as she chuckled. Scrolling through his profile, she found it odd he only had four friends: Samantha Mulder, Richard Langly, John Byers, and Melvin Frohike. _How do you even pronounce Frohike?_

What was also interesting were his likes. Unsurprisingly, he liked _Planet 9 From Outer Space, Star Trek,_ and _Outer Limits._ _Of course_ , Dana thought, smirking. Continuing her “research,” she found he rarely shared posts on his own, as most of them he was only tagged in by his friends. Other than that, there wasn’t much information she could go off of. Fox Mulder was indeed a mysterious man. 

X

It was now Wednesday, and Dana found herself at the prison Hunter was currently in while the trial was still going on. She gave the guard her name and went through the metal detector. After, she was led to a room with tables and chairs surrounded by bars. 

He spotted her as she made her way over to him and she wordlessly sat down to face him. 

“Dana, I’m so glad you could make it,” he said, faking the sweet-sounding tone.

“What do you want, Hunter? Why did you ask to see me?” Dana asked angrily.

“I see you’re as beautiful as ever,” he commented, eyeing her swollen belly. 

Dana placed her hands over it protectively. “Cut the shit, Hunter.”

“Alright, alright. Fine.” He scoffed and crossed his arms.

“What information do you have? If I were to guess, I’d say none and it was just an excuse.”

“I always knew you were too smart, Dana.”

“Of course you lied,” Dana scoffed. “I expected nothing less.”

“And yet you still came,” he observed. 

“I wanted answers.”

“Oh?” he prompted.

“About why you treated me like shit for years. Why you raped me countless times. Were you always a monster, or did you just wake up one day and decide to become one?.”

“Well, monster’s a little harsh, don’t you think? I only did what I did out of love,” he lied. “And _rape_ ? Day, you know that wasn’t rape. You wanted just as much as me. You were always... _ready_ ,” he remembered, grinning evilly. 

Dana was seething. “That’s shit and you know it. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have hurt me. And what you did _was_ rape. At first I brushed it off, but natural, physiological responses didn’t mean I wanted it. And not to talk about the relationships I lost because of you. You cut me off from all of my friends. You cheated on me and paid little to no attention to our girls. Where did it all go wrong?” 

“Oh, Dana. You and I both know I’m not the one to blame. Remember when we were expecting Liv? At first, we couldn’t stop. You were insatiable, always ready for a good fuck. But for some reason, it became too much for you. You never wanted to be with me anymore. I needed you. A man needs to be satisfied, and you just… couldn’t provide. So, I started drinking away my sorrows. But alcohol is only fun for so long, you know. I can’t be held responsible for what I do when I’m drunk, you know that. There were plenty of women willing to do what you couldn’t. A man has needs, and you didn’t fill them. Simple as that.” The little fucker didn’t seem at all sorry. 

“Hunter, I was pregnant, aching all the time, and had a three year old to deal with who, by the way, you _never_ paid attention to. That’s a bullshit excuse. If you helped even a little, then maybe I would’ve had more time for you.”

“I worked to provide for us, Dana. I gave us a roof over our heads and paid for the food on the table. Sorry you got upset about that.”

Dana scoffed. “This is just like you. Always diverting the blame. You weren’t always like this. You used to be sweet and gentle and loving.”

“And you used to be grateful and understanding.”

“I did try and understand! I tried _so_ hard! I was in school with a small child, pregnant, and studying all the time so I could hopefully provide for us too!” Dana’s voice was getting louder and her eyes were starting to water. “I tried to be a good wife and mom. I just needed to get through school, too.”

“You should’ve tried harder.”

Dana struggled to not heave herself off the chair and slap Hunter right there. He didn’t show any remorse for the pain he had caused her over the years.

“You know, Dana, when I got you drunk and knocked you up with Gracie, I thought it’d give you a reason to want to be with me. I was sorely mistaken.”

Dana’s eyes widened and her chest tightened.

_What?_

“You got me pregnant on _purpose?!”_

“Well _obviously_ I didn’t plan on it happening the first time we had sex-“

“ _You son of a bitch!”_ Dana yelled. Her sorrow turned to anger as she realized while he may not have meant to reveal the secret he’d kept for years, he didn’t even try to be ashamed. Dramatically rising from her chair, her eyes felt hot with tears. “I was in _high school!_ Do you even _know_ the bullying I put up with? I felt so ashamed when I found out I was pregnant, and you _planned this?!_ I was _sixteen. Fuck_ you. I hope you rot in here, asshole.” Dana wiped the tears from her eyes as she struggled to even her breathing and stood at the door waiting to be let out. She was certain she could hear his voice in the background, but she ignored him and the pain she felt in her back and kept walking. 

Leaving the prison, a million thoughts and feelings were swarming through her head. She got in the car and slammed her hand on the steering wheel, letting out a loud yell. Sobbing she put her head in her hands and screamed. So much of her life was a lie. She missed out on so many things due to her pregnancy and subsequent responsibilities as a mom. Her girls were gifts to this world and she loved and would die for them, but in a perverse way she wished they didn’t have to exist. 

For some reason, she was yet again drawn to the kind but loving stranger she had sex with back in April. It was only for a night, but that one night made her feel special, loved, and hell, _beautiful_ even. How was it possible she felt more _loved_ by a stranger than by someone who swore to love her until death do they part? Someone who vowed to cherish her, honor her, love her, and care for her? A complete _stranger_ managed to make her feel those things more than her asshole ex-husband ever did. Even before he changed, sex always felt like an obligation to him, never something she wanted or felt like doing. 

Sex. That’s all it ever felt like. Dana was unsure if they ever made love. Did she even love Hunter when things were good? She certainly loved the idea of being in love. Did she only stay with him because of her pregnancies? What else would she have done in Maryland without him? He paid for their apartment, clothes, food, everything. He insisted on being their sole source of income and refused to accept Dana’s parents’ help. 

That should’ve been red flag number one. She felt so stupid for not seeing it. Only eighteen, she didn’t know better. The signs were all there. Controlled finances, isolation from friends and family, every move she made, he knew. Dana was smart, top of her class at Maryland, and she couldn’t see the signs of a toxic relationship. The only one she’d ever been in, she thought it was normal. No one had told her any different. 

Mulder took care of her. Mulder made sure she was comfortable. Mulder listened to her. Mulder, Mulder, Mulder…

It all came back to him. God damn his considerate self for making her feel this way about him. 

Dana wiped the tears away and called the one person she felt would listen. 

“Hey,” Dana’s voice cracked, “Mon, can you talk?”

X 

_October 2002_

_Dana Katherine Scully was many things. Daughter of William and Margaret Scully. Younger sister to Bill and Missy and older sister to Charlie. Future Valedictorian (at least according to her report card) of Hoover High School class of 2004. Beta Club member and National Honor Society president. Hunter’s girlfriend. Oh, and pregnant. At sixteen._

_Currently, she was sitting in a hospital bed as her contractions had started to worsen earlier in the day before the sun rose. While she’d had contractions on and off for the past few days, they had started to even and become more painful. She wanted to wait until her contractions were five minutes apart like the books said, but Maggie Scully took her to the hospital when she saw how much pain her daughter was in. Dana had been in labor for over twelve hours now and was tired of it, literally and figuratively. She had been in the hospital for three of them and her contractions were seven minutes apart. Her water hadn’t even broken yet and she didn’t see the need to for all the fuss._

_“Honestly, mom,” she’d said as Maggie made her get in the car, “I’d rather stay here.”_

_“We’re going to the hospital and that’s it,” Maggie had retorted as Dana reluctantly got in the back seat behind Bill._

_Which is how they found themselves in their current situation. At the moment the tension in the room was high as Bill sat quietly in one of the chairs, occasionally looking in the direction of his younger sister as a contraction coursed through her. While Monica had visited earlier, she had left to go to school and promised to be back afterwards. Now it was just Dana and her less-than-pleased older brother._

_“Bill, it’s okay if you want to go,” Dana said after the pain of another contraction passed. “Mom just stepped out to find a nurse and dad’s on his way.” She meant her words in kindness, but her older brother’s presence made her feel more uneasy._

_“I’m alright, Danes.”_

_The uncomfortable silence was overwhelming until Bill spoke again. “You know,” he started, “I remember when mom and dad brought you home. Mom had only been in labor for five hours and then all of a sudden I had another sister. Missy was so excited. I remember when you won your first science fair award when you were twelve. Do you remember? And all the report cards you brought home to mom and dad with nothing but As. And when you told us you were National Honor Society president. We were so proud of you, Danes.”_

_Dana was about to tear up, prepared for the rest of the speech her brother had no doubt prepared. Something was telling her she wasn’t going to like the rest of it._

_“Are you really prepared for having a kid, Dana? They’re a lot of work, you know.”_

_“I know that, and I’m still on track to be valedictorian. I-” Dana took a deep breath, “I just wanted…”_

_“Wanted what?”_

_She turned away, not wanting to face her brother for her next words. Holding her belly protectively, she gathered up the courage to look in her brother’s eyes and spoke again._

_“I wanted to feel loved for being me. Not an extension or being vicariously lived through by mom and dad. Not for being ‘Dana the smart one’ or ‘Dana the future doctor’. I wanted to be Dana. Just Dana.”_

_“And getting pregnant was your solution? Dana, surely you must know how difficult it is to raise a baby. And as young as you are...do you understand the ramifications? Your entire life is about to change. To be quite frank, I’m disappointed. You weren’t the type of girl who would have a child out of wedlock. We expected more from you. I knew that boyfriend of yours was trouble from the start.”_

_Dana couldn’t focus on what he was saying; she held on the bars on the side of the hospital bed as she breathed through a contraction. Maggie came in with her husband near the tail end and held her daughter’s hand, smiling sadly at her._

_“Sweetie, your father’s here,” Maggie informed her. “There’s not a nurse available right now, but they’ll send one when there is.”_

_Dana nodded, sweaty and out of breath, and reached for her father, who took her hand._

_“Ahab, I’m so sorry,” Dana whimpered._

_“Don’t worry about that right now, Starbuck. Just focus on getting my grandchild here, okay?” He kissed her forehead and brushed hair away from her face._

_“Mom,” Dana asked, her voice hoarse, “can you get me some more ice please?”_

_Maggie did as requested and left the room, along with Bill who mentioned he needed to go home for a little bit. Soon Hunter came and kissed Dana, worry plastered on his face as he ran his hands through her hair and cupped her face with both hands._

_“Baby girl okay?” he asked._

_Dana nodded, taking his hand and squeezing as another contraction came. She arched her back and gripped his forearm, groaning as the pain worsened. When it was over, he kissed her softly and stood up. He walked over to Mr. Scully and held out his hand for him to take._

_“Sir.”_

_Mr. Scully took it reluctantly, glaring at him. “I expect you to be there for my grandchild, do you understand?”_

_Hunter swallowed nervously and nodded. “Yes, sir.”_

_Maggie came back with water and ice for Dana, snacks for those not pushing out a baby, and a nurse to refill the IV bag. About an hour later, Bill came back with Melissa and Charlie in tow to check on their sister._

_“Still chugging along,” Dana said tiredly, popping an ice cube in her mouth. “Fourteen hours and counting.”_

_Melissa rubbed her sister’s back and smiled softly. “You’re so strong, Danes. You’re gonna be a great mom. I’m sorry you had to be stuck with Bill. I would’ve come with you and mom if he hadn’t insisted,” she whispered, causing Dana to smile._

_“Do you think I could teach her how to play video games?” Charlie asked._

_She chuckled. “I’m sure when she’s older, you can. I don’t think babies have great hand-eye coordination.”_

_Bill just stood near the door. He took after their father in more ways than one. If anything, Bill was just as disappointed in his younger sister as their dad. In his phone calls, he’d tell her about all she’ll miss out on and the looks she’ll get, not to mention the shame she was bringing upon their family. A Scully child having a baby out of wedlock? It was unthinkable. And he’d mention how terrible Hunter was for her. Dana shrugged it off. Bill didn’t live with them anymore and had only been home from his station for about two weeks. He hadn’t even seen her pregnant until then and didn’t know how supportive Hunter was during the pregnancy._

_“I see_ he _conveniently showed up,” Bill noticed angrily._

_“Bill,” Maggie warned._

_Hunger walked over to Dana and took her hand protectively. “I am. I’m the father.”_

_“And also the reason my sister’s become a-“_

_“Bill, stop.” Dana could feel the tears slide down her cheeks. “I know, okay? I know you’re disappointed in me. I’ve tried so hard to make you proud of my achievements, and now… I just want you to be proud because I’m your sister. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose.”_

_Bill huffed and crossed his arms. The rest of the family stood in awkward silence. This was going to be a long labor._

_Monica had come back after school and brought Dana’s work she’d missed that day. Dana was also immensely grateful for her best friend’s support as well. When she called her best friend and said she was in labor, Monica came as soon as she could and stayed with her until she had to leave for school. Now, Dana was trying to focus on school work to distract herself from the pain. Monica sat on the bed with her._

_“Okay, so how do I do this again?” Monica asked. They were currently working on their separate math assignments. While Dana had made it into an advanced AP class (unsurprisingly), Monica was just fine with her junior-level pre-calculus class._

_Dana looked over to Monica’s paper. “Okay so since you’re just adding the equations, the parentheses don’t really matter. So what you’re going to do,” Dana took the back of Monica’s paper and wrote the equation, “is just write it out like this. And then you’re going to find_ like _terms. So here, you can add four x squared y to two x squared y since they’re the same. And you’re going to do that with the other polynomials and then finish the equation. So since three x and four x are the same terms, they’ll add together to make seven x. Since you’re just adding, the exponents stay the same as well. It’s a lot of numbers, but you’ll get the hang of it.”_

_Monica exhaled and scratched her head. “No wonder you’re in an AP class.”_

_“I just really like math and science.”_

_“And I’m exactly the opposite.” The two girls laughed and suddenly Dana’s face scrunched up. She groaned and laid her head on Monica’s shoulder, took her hand, and rubbed her belly in an attempt to soothe herself through a contraction._

_“Contraction?” Monica asked._

_Dana nodded wordlessly and waited for it to pass. She breathed in heavily through her nose and out through her mouth. “God, it hurts so bad. And I heard pushing is even worse.”_

_“Sorry, Dana. I wish there was something I could do.” Monica put an arm around Dana’s shoulder._

_“You’re here. That’s enough.”_

_X_

_Finally, at one o’clock the next morning, Dana was pushing. Wanting everyone out except her mom, Hunter, and Missy (who she wanted for emotional support), she was trying hard not to make ungodly noises while the contractions came hard and fast. Hunter was holding a hand and of her legs so her knee was almost level with her face, and Maggie was holding the other hand and leg. The pain was becoming too much and Dana was crying out loudly._

_Scared would be an understatement; Dana was absolutely terrified._

_“Okay, Dana the head should be coming out with this next push, okay?” Dr. Smith informed._

_“You’ve got this, babe. Remember to breathe.”_

_Dana cried out as she felt a burning and the tears would not stop._

_“It hurts,” she sobbed._

_“You’re doing great, sweetie,” Maggie encouraged. She wiped the tears away from her daughter’s face and dabbed at her forehead with a cool, damp cloth._

_“You can do it, Dana,” Melissa encouraged as she held up a camera, wanting to document her niece’s birth._

_“I’m… hot,” she complained and tried to move the hospital gown off of and away from her. Hunter helped and soon Dana’s body was exposed as she continued pushing. The Scullys prided themselves on being modest Catholics, but it took up little space in one’s mind while trying to birth a baby._

_Dana felt the urge to push again and felt a burning as she felt her baby’s head come out, and after a couple of more pushes (and less than dignifying noises), the rest of the body soon after along with a plethora of bodily fluids._

_“Oh my God, hi,” Dana exclaimed in a high-pitched voice as her seconds-old wailing baby was placed on her chest for skin-to-skin like she’d requested. “I’m your mommy,” she cried as she held her daughter. Her daughter. She was a mom._

_“Wow, she’s beautiful,” Hunter praised._

_The nurse recommended Dana try to breastfeed to help with delivering the placenta. Hunter watched as Maggie instructed Dana on how to get the baby to latch onto her breast. After what was deemed a successful latch and the oxytocin kicked in, the cord was cut, placenta delivered, and Maggie went to give the news to the rest of the family._

_“Okay, I called Monica, and she should be here soon.” Hunter said as he got on the bed and put his shoulder around Dana, pulling her close. One hand rubbed her shoulder while the other was under her arms, helping support their baby._

_“Thank you for calling her.” Dana kissed him and turned her attention to her daughter._

_“Okay mom and dad, how are we doing?” Missy asked, camera in hand._

_Dana looked down at her nursing baby with tears in her eyes. “Sore and exhausted... and wonderful.”_

_“What about you, dad?” Missy turned the camera to Hunter._

_“In awe. She’s beautiful.”_

_Missy kept recording as the new parents looked at their daughter._

_“She is. She’s so beautiful,” Hunter beamed, kissing Dana’s glistening forehead._

_“Yeah, she is,” she agreed. Her happiness stretched across her face and she couldn’t have smiled bigger if she tried. She still felt sore from the pain after pushing for thirty minutes, but she was too busy being engulfed in her daughter’s squishy red face to notice._

_When Maggie came back, Dana was still nursing, so she told the rest of the family to wait. She sat down on the bed and brush hair away from Dana’s face and Missy stopped recording, moving to sit in one of the visitor chairs._

_“You did great, sweetie. I’m so proud of you.”_

_Dana looked down at the baby attached to her breast. “Thanks, mom. I just wish dad and Bill could be.”_

_Hunter kissed her cheek and rubbed her arm comfortingly._

_“They are, I promise. As much as your father is a little strict with you, he still loves you. I can’t speak for Bill, but your father and I are so immensely proud.” She smiled, took one of Dana’s hands, and squeezed her reassurance._

_“So, Hunter, are your parents coming?” Maggie asked innocently, changing the subject._

_Dana and Hunter looked at each other awkwardly. They disproved of the pregnancy from the beginning and had made it crystal clear they didn’t want a grandchild out of wedlock. While Dana hoped they’d come around, Hunter was less than optimistic._

_“They’re… away,” he offered as the only explanation._

_Maggie smiled sadly and turned her attention back towards the baby in Dana’s arms._

_After Dana finished nursing and put the hospital gown back on, Maggie went to give the okay for the rest of the family to visit. Soon the Scully clan crowded around Dana’s hospital bed cooing over the baby._

_Melissa was the first to hold her after Dana and Hunter, and she gently bounced the baby. “So what’s her name, Danes?” she asked._

_The new parents looked at each other and smiled. “Hannah,” Dana said. “Hannah Grace. But we’re gonna call her Gracie.”_

_“Oh my God, that’s so cute!” Melissa squealed._

_“Can I hold her now?” Charlie whined._

_Dana smiled and chuckled. As much as her younger brother considered babies to be ‘gross,’ he sure was smitten with his niece already._

_“She’s so little,” Charlie observed._

_“Just over six pounds,” Dana informed. “She’ll get bigger, though.”_

_“I officially call dibs on babysitting duty,” Melissa said. “I can’t wait to spoil her rotten. I’m going to be the best aunt ever.” She smiled at Dana, who chuckled and shook her head. “Ooo, Dana, we need to get a picture!”_

_“I don’t think-“_

_“Pleeaassee?” Missy pleaded._

_Dana rolled her eyes and reluctantly agreed. Missy instructed Charlie to return the baby to Dana so she could get a good photo. Holding the baby, she leaned into Hunter’s chest, and he placed one arm around Dana’s shoulder and the other over her hands, and rested his head on top of hers._

_“Okay, one...two...three!”_

_After the picture was taken, Dana handed the baby to Maggie and laid her head on Hunter’s shoulder, intertwined their fingers, and smiled at the love her baby girl was receiving. All the disappointment she felt from her father and older brother seemed to fade as she saw them with Gracie. Surrounded by her family, she wanted to cherish this moment forever._


	6. Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dana welcomes her third child into the world and her family and Monica come to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It’s been exactly two months since I posted last 😅 I just could NOT figure out how to end this chapter. I got stuck after the baby had just been born, and then like two weeks ago I suddenly thought of the rest of the chapter. The baby’s name was picked by twitter 🥰
> 
> Thank you SO much to Nicole for the beta!
> 
> **TW // graphic-ish depictions of childbirth.**

October 2009

“Breathe, Dana, okay? In through your nose, out through your mouth.”

The only response Dana could muster was a groan; she was currently occupying a hospital bed waiting for her third daughter to make her way into the world. Gracie and Liv were in the room as well, worried every time their mom cried out in pain. As their regular babysitter was unavailable and Dana didn’t know many other people with teenagers that could come on such short notice, she had begrudgingly brought her daughters with her to the hospital. Her parents and sister were on the way, but until then she was on all fours on the hospital bed trying to settle her breathing. Her labor had started three hours ago and the contractions were now only three minutes apart. Third babies came pretty fast according to her mom and all the books, so she had gone ahead and called her family members that resided in San Diego. 

“I’m going to check how dilated you are, okay Dana? Do you want to lie down for this or stay?” the nurse asked. 

“Hnngh, this,” Dana gritted her teeth, “this is fine.”

The nurse put a hand on Dana’s hip and lifted her gown in the front to check her dilation. While having a hand in her vagina was uncomfortable, so was labor. By a landslide. 

“Okay Dana, you’re about nine centimeters dilated and almost fully effaced; you’ll be ready to push soon.”

Panic was plastered across Dana’s face. “Wait, I want… I want my mom and sister. They need to be here,” Dana was on the verge of tears. 

“I know, sweetie.” The nurse gave a comforting pat on Dana’s shoulder. “They should be here soon if you called them.”

Another contraction hit and it took all of her effort not to cry out in pain. The nurse rubbed her back and she seriously regretted turning down the epidural. At first, she wasn’t a fan of a needle roughly the length of her hand going into her back, but now she would give anything to not feel the piercing pain of each contraction. 

There was so much confliction swirling around in Dana’s mind it could make her dizzy. While she was mostly excited for her baby girl to be here, part of her was not ready. If she were being completely honest, she felt guilty. Dana had been raised in an environment of believing every unborn life is sacred. Having an abortion was the gravest of sins according to her mother, father, and the Catholic faith. With Gracie, Dana was young. _Too_ young, in her opinion. Sixteen and a baby? Which was worse: shame for terminating a pregnancy or shame because of becoming a teen mom? However, sixteen and pregnant led to twenty and pregnant with a child which led to twenty-three and pregnant with two children. 

There would always be a part of her that felt ashamed she had not wanted her daughter until the second ultrasound and she had suddenly decided to look at the screen. She’d already had two kids, could she really afford another? Could she properly care for an infant and two small children? While her views had changed and she believed in freedom of choice, she’d felt like a bad mother for not wanting this pregnancy while she already had Gracie and Liv. Sitting on the exam table with Dr. Smith pointing out the heartbeat, the little black and white pixelated blob pulled on her heart strings and she knew this baby was going to be carried to term. While there was still doubt in her mind about adding another child to her family, this baby would be loved. She’d make sure of that. 

“You’re doing great, Dana. Baby girl should be here soon, okay?” 

“Are you okay, mommy?” Gracie asked as she went over to her mom, placing her small hand over Dana’s.

“I’m fine, baby.” She was in fact not fine. Her back arched as she felt the firey-hot pain wash over her. 

“You’re fibbing.”

Dana sighed. If she wasn’t in so much pain, she would’ve laughed. Gracie was an observant little girl and knew when her mommy was not telling the whole truth. “I know. It just hurts,” she said as she felt the tears make their way down her cheeks. 

At this point, she wasn’t even ashamed if strangers saw her tears. These people were already going to see the most intimate parts of her and her daughters had seen her cry multiple times. What are a few tears? Considering that within the next hour or so, she will have gained another child by a man who won’t be there to help raise them, not that she wanted him to. She’d soon be a single mother of three, and the fear of not being enough for her girls was enough to make her panic again. Trying to even her breathing, two more contractions passed before the door opened and soon her mother, father, and sister were by her side. 

“Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Missy!” the girls chorused and ran over to the older women.

“I’m here, honey,” Maggie comforted as she ran a head through her younger daughter’s hair while receiving hugs from her granddaughters. “How are you feeling?”

“In pain,” Dana admitted.

“We’re here now, Danes,” Melissa said. 

“How’re you doing, Starbuck?” Bill Sr. asked.

“I’m okay now.”

Dana moved to a mostly sitting position and Maggie and Melissa held her hands as she experienced another contraction. While she had her first baby mostly lying down, she’d read it could cause more pain and being upright was best.

“How long until the baby gets here?” Melissa asked as she released her hand and picked up Liv. 

“About an hour or so,” Dana informed breathlessly as her grip on Maggie’s hand strengthened. 

“Is the baby coming, mommy?” Gracie asked.

“Soon, sweetie,” Dana answered through gritted teeth.

“You’re doing amazing, though. I couldn’t imagine ever doing this. You’re a strong woman, Danes.”

“Thanks, Missy. You can start having your own at any time, you know,” she half-joked. “I can’t be the only one to give mom and dad grandchildren.”

“I’ll let Charlie and Bill do that,” Melissa chuckled.

Dana let out a breathy, half-hearted laugh before turning toward her mother. “I don’t know how you did it four times, mom. I’m so tired,” she cried.

“I know, honey. The baby will be here soon.” Maggie smiled at her. 

“Just… don’t leave me, okay? Either of you. Please,” she begged breathlessly before turning to her father, “ And Ahab?”

“Hmm?” He had resigned himself to a corner, unsure of how to approach or soothe his you her daughter.

“I want the girls with you, I don’t want them to be in here when the baby come.”

“But mommy-“ Gracie and Liv whined. 

“Girls, listen to your mother,” Bill Sr. commanded. “You’ll get to see your sister soon, I promise.”

While everyone waited for the birth of the newest Scully, Dana’s contractions got closer together and soon it was hard to distinguish when one ended and another began. Melissa paced the room with Liv, who grew anxious by her mother’s discomfort. Gracie sat in her grandfather’s lap, telling everyone about the latest happenings at school, trying to pass the time. 

“Are you sure you’re okay, mommy?” Gracie asked.

“I’m fine, keep talking, it... aaahhh,” Dana cried out, the most painful contraction so far coursing through her body. 

“Breathe, Dana, breathe,” her mother coached. 

Tears fell down her cheeks as she took her mother’s hand. Words did not seem to want to come and all she could muster were cries or whimpers, taking deep breaths to calm herself down. 

“Girls, let’s go,” Ahab commanded, sensing it would be time for the baby to come soon. 

Melissa set Liv down, who went to grab her grandfather’s hand. There was minimal fuss, and soon it was just the three Scully women in the room.

Not even half an hour had gone by before Dana’s body was ready to start pushing. She buzzed for a nurse and tilted her head back if the contractions were more than she could bear. Her mom and sister each held a hand during her contractions. The nurse came in shortly after and didn’t need to be told what was happening. 

“Okay Dana, let me page Dr. Smith for you. She’ll be here as soon as she can,” she had said, getting things ready.

Rachel came in not long after that and confirmed that Dana was, in fact, ready to push. 

“Okay, Dana, on this next one, I need you to push, okay?” she said. 

Dana could only nod and once the contraction came, she bore down. Breathing heavy, she tried not to cry out. 

“God dammit!” she swore, mentally daring her mother to chastise her. 

“You’re doing great, Dana. I see the baby’s head,” Rachel announced. 

Melissa pulled out her phone and started to record. “Okay girlie, you’re about to be born, and your mommy is not too happy about it,” Melissa said to the camera as she turned it towards Dana. 

“Anything from you, mom?”

“Missy, if you don’t get your phone out of my face, I _will_ guarantee you’ll need a new one,” Dana spat through gritted teeth as Maggie attempted to suppress a laugh. 

“Okay, okay, sorry,” Melissa apologized, moving her phone to face Dana’s lower half. “This is it, baby girl! You’re about to enter the world. We’re so excited to meet you!”

Rachel smiled, then looked at Dana. “Okay Dana, give me a big push.”

The mom-of-three-to-be cried out as she bore down, her chin touching her chest. 

“Great, Dana! The head’s almost out. Push again,” Rachel instructed.

After taking a few seconds to catch her breath, Dana gave another push, groaning.

“The head’s out, but I need you to stop pushing. Just follow me. Breathe. In, out, in, out.” 

In pain, annoyed, and sweaty, Dana used what little energy she had left to focus on her breathing. She had felt the baby’s head being pushed out as it stretched her.

“Do you want to feel your baby’s head, Dana?”

“I just want her out of me,” Dana cried exasperatedly.

“Okay, one more push when you’re ready.”

“I’m ready,” she said breathlessly. 

“You’ve got this, honey,” Maggie encouraged as she squeezed her younger daughter’s hand. Melissa just smiled and gave a thumbs up.

“Alright, start pushing again! You’re so close to meeting your baby.”

Dana cried out and pushed again, feeling the baby’s body leave hers as well as other bodily fluids. Dana immediately let go of her mother and sister’s hands and reached for her baby. Rachel handed the baby to her and she pulled her hospital gown down for skin-to-skin contact. 

“She’s beautiful, honey,” Maggie praised as she moved some of Dana’s sweat-soaked hair out of her face. “You did so well.” 

“This is you, baby!” Melissa squealed excitedly as she moved her phone closer to Dana and the baby. “You’re so tiny! Your mommy is too, so get used to it,” she teased before she stopped recording and put her phone in her back pocket. 

Dana rolled her eyes and looked down lovingly at her baby. She kissed her baby’s head and lightly ran a thumb up and down her cheek. The baby gurgled and squirmed, not happy about leaving the warmth of her mother’s womb. Dana pulled her gown down further, exposing her breast. Guiding the baby to her nipple, the infant cried, trying and failing to latch. Licking and rooting, the baby’s face grew redder and redder. Dana thought she would cry. 

“She’ll get it, Dana,” Maggie encouraged. “Just give her time.”

Wiping the tears away, Dana once again guided the baby. She winced at the feeling of tiny hands hitting her skin as the baby wailed trying to find her first meal. On the third attempt and with some help from Rachel, the baby finally latched.

“Oh, thank God. I thought she’d never get it,” Dana admitted.

“Some babies take longer than others. It’s perfectly normal,” Rachel stated. “After she’s fed, we’ll take her and let you deliver the placenta.”

Dana nodded, looking down at her baby and then at Maggie. “The girls can come in. I want to wait until she’s finished before Ahab comes in.”

“Okay, sweetie.” Maggie wiped the stray hairs out of Dana’s sweaty face and momentarily left the room. Soon, she came back, Gracie and Liv hot on her heels. 

Melissa took out her phone again to record.

“Mommy, can we see the baby?” Gracie asked loudly.

“Shh, quiet voice, Gracie,” Maggie said. 

Gracie nodded and went to the bed where her mom and baby sister were situated. Smiling at her mom, she looked at her new sister with amazement. She was just tall enough to see, but Liv wasn’t, so Maggie picked her up to get a better look at the baby. Melissa went to the other side of the bed and held the camera out towards the girls and Maggie. 

“Why is she sucking on your boobies, mommy?” Gracie asked.

The adults chuckled. “That’s how she’s going to be eating for a while,” Dana answered.

“Can I feed her?” 

“Umm, maybe when she’s older, okay? I’m the only one that can feed her right now.”

“Baby sister?” Liv asked.

“Yeah, this is your new sister,” Dana confirmed.

“What’s her name, Dana?” Maggie asked.

“Sarah,” Dana announced. “Sarah Elizabeth.”

“Aww, that’s precious!” Melissa squealed.

“She looks like an alien.”

The knowledge of her… encounter with Mulder months earlier and the sheer bluntness of Liv’s comment made Dana struggle to stay silent. 

“Liv!” Maggie chided, but failed to contain her amusement. Melissa didn’t even try, laughing loudly as Gracie looked confused. 

“I guess she does a little.” Dana smiled at her three-year-old’s innocence. 

“Is daddy coming?” 

The air immediately grew tense and the baby started to kick her feet and Melissa stopped recording. While Liv knew her mommy and daddy didn’t live together anymore, she hadn’t been told the real reason for her father’s absence. 

“Don’t be silly, Liv, daddy doesn’t want us anymore,” Gracie said matter-of-factly.

“Girls, enough,” Maggie said sternly as she passed a sympathetic glance towards Dana. 

The baby started to squirm and Dana patted their bottom in an attempt to soothe them. Melissa took out her phone once again and pressed record.

“Okay, mom, baby number three, how are we feeling?”

“I love her!” Liv exclaimed, causing the adults to laugh. 

Dana switched the baby to her other breast and adjusted her gown. “Like a dream. I can’t believe she’s here,” Dana answered as tears fell down her face. She ran a finger lightly across her new daughter’s cheek. 

“Okay, who wants to cut the cord?” Rachel asked after examining the now-white substance still connecting mom and baby. 

“I do! I do!” the girls squealed excitedly. 

Rachel looked up at Dana, who nodded her approval. The doctor showed the girls how and where to cut. Rachel held Liv’s hands as they cut closer to Dana’s body and Gracie was able to carefully cut the cord closer to the baby. After Rachel tied the small bit left on the baby’s stomach, Dana felt the effects of oxytocin causing more contractions. Taking the baby away from her breast and handing the child to Maggie, Dana grunted as she felt the wave of pain.

“Come on, girls, let’s give your mom some room, okay?” Maggie said as she placed the baby in the bassinet. 

After Maggie, Melissa, and the girls left the room, Dana felt another contraction and Rachel assumed the position. 

“Okay, just a small push and it’ll be out,” Rachel said. 

Dana nodded, bearing down some and loudly exhaled as she felt the mass expel from her body. 

“Are you doing okay, Dana?” Rachel asked as she placed the mass in a medical waste bag. 

“I’m okay,” Dana answered, moving to sit more vertically upright on the bed. 

“I’m just going to make sure the placenta’s all out.”

Dana nodded and felt Rachel place her fingers into her. God, this hurt. 

“I’m done, Dana. You haven’t retained anything. The bleeding has slowed, so I’ll leave you to it. You’ve got one beautiful baby.”

Dana smiled softly. “Thank you,” she said quietly. 

Rachel smiled, then left the room, leaving Dana alone with her thoughts. And her new baby. She looked down at the tiny human that was inside of her not two hours prior, amazed at just how true Rachel’s words were. While she may have looked like a alien to Liv, she was a beautiful alien nonetheless.

X

Two days later

“Mom, do you know where I put the extra pads?” Dana asked as she fished around her hospital bag and pulled out mesh underwear, a nursing bra, and comfortable clothes. 

“They’re in the bathroom, honey,” Maggie answered as she held Sarah. 

Dana gathered her clothes and toiletries and headed toward the bathroom slowly. She felt exhausted and gross. Hopefully a shower would help her feel better. Luckily, she didn’t need any stitches, but the soreness and bleeding made her constantly uncomfortable. Not to mention she felt like her uterus could fall out at any given moment. She had found a pregnancy and motherhood Facebook group and one mom swore by putting witch hazel gel and aloe on a maternity pad and freezing them for the postpartum healing and wanted to try it out when she took her daughter home. The woman said the smell was horrible at first, but it felt soothing and had helped her immensely. 

“Do you need anything in case the nurse comes back?”

“I’m good, mom. Thanks.”

Dana showered slowly and carefully. Putting her arms above her head would pull her muscles when she did so, and she would hiss in pain. Having to figure out a way to clean herself that didn't feel like she was pulling every muscle in her body was challenging, but she finally managed to finish her shower forty minutes later. Wrapping herself in a big fluffy towel, she stared at herself in the mirror. Her face was rounder and her collarbones weren’t as pronounced. While it had been like this since later in the second trimester, she had never gotten used to the weight gain with any of her pregnancies. Dana had to remind herself it was because of her baby that she had brought into this world, but she had always been unconsciously aware of her slim figure and healthily maintaining it.

“Dana, you okay?”

“Yeah, mom. I’m okay,” she called out.

Dana placed a maternity pad on the mesh underwear she brought with her and pulled them on, never liking how it felt. Putting the rest of her clothes on, she came out of the bathroom, her wet hair feeling cool against the back of her neck. Maggie was sitting in a chair while Sarah slept. Dana put the toiletries and used clothes back in the hospital bag and checked on her youngest daughter.

“Mom, you don’t have to stay, we can handle it,” she stated, smiling at her baby.

“I know, sweetie. I just want to be there for you.”

Sarah began to stir.

“I know, and I appreciate it. I really can handle this.”

The baby whimpered and started to cry. Dana carefully picked her up and patted her bottom as she rotated her torso slowly.

“It also gives me an excuse to spend time with my newest grandchild,” Maggie smiled.

Dana rolled her eyes jokingly as Sarah’s cries became wails. Placing the baby against her chest, Sarah began to root. Dana reached under her top and lowered the strap of her bra. Exposing a breast, she helped Sarah latch as she sat in the hospital bed. She leaned back and closed her eyes to rest, having prepared to get as much sleep as she could in between and even during feedings. 

“Oh, I forgot to mention, the nurse came in while you were in the restroom and needed the rest of the forms you filled out so you and the little one can go home.”

“Oh, okay. Thank you,” Dana said sleepily.

“Are you sure you don’t need any help, honey?” Maggie asked.

“I’m fine, really,” Dana reassured. “You forget I’ve done this before. Twice.”

“You just seem so tired.”

“That’s usually what happens when you birth a tiny human.”

“I know that, but-”

“Knock, knock!” a voice called out along with the sounding of wood being knocked on.

The door opened and Monica appeared with two bags and a stuffed bear. 

“You came.” Dana perked up at her best friend’s presence. 

Monica went over to Dana and gently kissed her on the cheek. “How are you?” she asked.

“I’m okay. Sore, but okay. It was worth it,” she stated, looking down at her daughter.

“Oh my gosh,” Monica gushed at the nursing baby in Dana’s arms. “She’s so precious.”

“Thank you.” Dana’s smile was wide. She had called Monica soon after the baby had been born and she had been unable to take time off of work on such short notice, but she had now taken the next two weeks off to help with the baby at the chagrin of her boss, but she had plenty of PTO and was unlikely to use more for a while.

“Monica,” Maggie said to get her attention. 

“Hello, Maggie. It’s good to see you.” Monica got up and gave her best friend’s mother a hug. 

“I’m glad you came.”

“Me too. I wish I got here sooner, but I’m here now.”

“And we’re so glad you are.” Maggie placed a hand on Monica’s arm and smiled. 

“Where are the girls?” Monica asked as she looked around.

“They’re at home with Missy and Ahab. They’re watching them for me.” Dana scooted over to make room for the taller woman.

“Oh, okay. When do you take this munchkin home?” Monica asked, sitting on the bed next to Dana.

“Today, actually. I have a few more hours to get everything ready, but she can leave today.”

“Are you going to be staying with Dana?” Maggie questioned.

“Yeah, for two weeks. I’m here for whatever she needs.”

“Oh?” 

Dana sensed her mother’s confusion. “I asked Monica to stay with us. I wanted her to visit and you can come whenever you want.” Dana moved the baby to her other breast and adjusted her top.

“Alright. Just keep me updated, okay honey?”

“Of course I will, mom.”

X

“We’re home!” Monica announced as she opened the door to Dana’s apartment. 

She held the door for Dana, who was carrying the car seat with Sarah, and Maggie. Once everyone was inside, Monica locked the door behind them as footsteps came thundering down the hall. 

“Mommy!” a chorus could be heard. 

“Hey babies,” Dana greeted. 

Gracie and Liv hugged their mom who they had missed the last few days, then directed their attention to the car seat which had been placed on the floor. The girls squatted down to look at their sister they hadn’t seen since her birth. 

“Let mommy get her, okay?” Dana asked as the girls moved away. 

“Let me do it, Dana.” Maggie stepped forward, not wanting her daughter to hurt herself.

Dana looked at Monica. “Okay,” she gave in. 

Carefully, Maggie squatted and unbuckled the baby. She lifted the small newborn and held her close before handing her over to Dana. The baby sneezed and snuggled her face in the crook of her mother’s neck as Dana patted the baby’s bottom. 

“I love her!” Liv announced, causing the women to chuckle.

“Do you want to see her, Gracie?” Dana asked.

Gracie nodded, moving closer to her mom and sister. She was content to just silently watch as her baby sister yawned and blinked, taking in the world. Placing a finger gently on the baby’s cheek, they gurgled and moved their head. Two figures soon appeared from down the hall and made their way to the small group. Gracie and Liv resigned to the living room, having soon grown bored of the new baby. 

“Welcome home, Danes,” Missy welcomed, smiling. She went to hug her little sister, mindful of the baby. 

“Thanks, Missy.”

“Starbuck.” Bill Sr. gave his daughter a side hug, looking down at his newest grandchild.

“She’s adorable,” Melissa had said to her sister while looking at her niece. Holding out a finger, the baby grabbed it and held on tight. “And has a strong grip,” Melissa chuckled.

“You should see my chest. Her nails have already started to scratch me,” Dana said before realizing her father was standing right next to her.

“I’ll take your word for it.” 

“How were the girls?” Dana asked as Monica went to move the car seat next to the front door. 

“Restless. They missed you,” Bill Sr. remarked.

“Apparently I do voices as well as you do when I read them their bedtime stories. Although they did like the fact I spoil them rotten.” Melissa smiled at her sister.

“Of course you do,” Dana joked.

“Hey, Dana, do you want me to put your stuff in your room?” Monica asked as she came back.

“Actually, I can do it. Do you want to hold her?” she directed to Melissa.

“You don’t have to ask me twice.” 

Dana carefully placed the baby in her sister’s arms and took her hospital bag to her bedroom while Monica busied herself in the kitchen. While taking various items of clothing out of the bag, she felt a pang in her lower stomach. _This is normal_ , she told herself, but that didn’t stop it from hurting any less. After finally getting everything unpacked, she heard the sound of footsteps enter her room followed by whimpers.

“We missed mommy,” Melissa said sweetly as she entered, followed by Maggie.

“Oh, come here baby.” Dana reached for her daughter and snuggled her while Melissa and their mother finished the task she started. After Melissa asking a million questions about what goes where and Maggie wondering what clothes were clean and which ones were dirty, everything finally managed to be put away.

“So Monica’s gonna be staying for a couple weeks,” Melissa noted.

“She is. She wanted to see the baby and lives farther away. Plus I could use the help.”

“I can still come and visit, right?”

“Of course you can. You’re always welcome here, you know that. You’re only an hour away, remember?”

“I just miss the kiddos already and I haven’t even left yet,” Melissa said. 

“We all do,” Maggie agreed.

It was a mutual consensus that Aunt Melissa was the favorite among mommy’s siblings, so Gracie and Liv were closer to their aunt Missy than their uncles Bill and Charlie. This meant that the girls always had more fun with Melissa and missed her fiercely when she left after having spent time together. While there were only sixty or so minutes between them, Melissa didn’t visit as much as she wanted, and the girls agreed. According to the girls, they didn’t see their uncle Charlie that often and they never did get along the best with their uncle Bill. Not that he was mean or rude, but he always made their mommy uncomfortable, and they absolutely did not like it. 

When Dana was in the hospital with their baby sister, Melissa stayed with them and played with them and took them to school. She was interested in what happened during the day and would spoil them as long as they kept it a secret from their mommy. Whenever they had stayed with their uncle Bill without their mom, which was not often, he seemed disinterested and didn’t spend a lot of time with them. He didn’t read them bedtime stories like mommy or aunt Missy did, and they liked his wife Tara much better. She was kind and sweet and engaged with them more. All around, Melissa was definitely the fan favorite of the Scully girls.

“They’ll miss you too, I’m sure. For now, you need to get as many cuddles as you can before you go.” 

“Is that a challenge?” Melissa asked, chuckling.

Dana smirked and led them out into the living room, where they found Monica spinning around wildly with Liv on her back. Gracie was running around them and laughter filled the air. Ahab was booming with laughter.

“My turn! My turn!” Gracie squealed. 

Monica hoisted her up on her back after letting Liv get down and repeated the action, spinning fast enough to be fun but also slow enough not to harm her.

“Are we having fun?” Dana asked, getting their attention.

“Mommy! Mommy! Can Aunt Monica stay? Pleeeaaase?” Liv pleaded.

Monica stopped spinning and let Gracie down, both struggling to catch their breath.

“I'm here for two whole weeks, kiddo,” Monica proudly announced before Dana had a chance to respond. 

“Yay! Yay! Yay!” Liv exclaimed, jumping up and down.

The adults chuckled while the baby squirmed in Dana’s arms.

“Unfortunately, I am not, so I need all the hugs I can get,” Melissa stated. 

Gracie and Liv almost ran their biological aunt over, hugging her tight and showering her with kisses. Melissa laughed along with the girls and Dana chuckled, indescribably happy for the first time in what felt like years. Her family was okay, she brought a new life into this world, her best friend would be with her for two weeks, her kids were getting along and not jealous or mean to the baby, and everyone was happy. Thoughts of Hunter didn’t even register, and the air was lighter and more jovial for it. She felt lighter than she could ever remember and looked down at the now sleeping baby, taking in the pure bliss she felt. It felt as if there was nothing that could possibly damper her spirit.


	7. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby Sarah becomes more than Dana can handle, and Monica calls the one person who might be able to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Content warning: descriptions of post-natal care**
> 
> **Trigger warning: postpartum depression**
> 
> This chapter was interesting to write because 1) I don’t have kids, but 2) as my degree focus is women and children, I wanted to shed light on very real experiences that women go through after having babies. 
> 
> I tried to make this chapter as accurate as I could as I don’t have personal experience. Any inaccuracies are my fault.
> 
> Thank you SO much to Nicole for the beta. You’re so amazing and work so hard 💛

_ November 2009 _

The sound of a loud whimper could be heard even to the deepest of sleepers, and thus Dana Scully was up for the third time since going to bed at 10 pm. She rubbed her eyes and stifled a yawn, having only gone back to sleep less than an hour and a half prior. It was still pitch black outside as she turned towards the source of the noise: her four-day-old daughter. It was the baby’s second night home from the hospital, and there was plenty of adjusting to be done on both sides.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay baby,” Dana cooed as she slowly sat up and placed a protective hand on her baby’s belly.

Wanting to spare her older daughters from being woken up at 4 in the morning, Dana carefully picked up her baby from the co-sleeper and held her close, feeling her smooth little head. Sensing a diaper change was needed (as usual), Dana padded to the other side of the room and gently laid Sarah on the changing table. With only a little fuss, the youngest Scully was soon fresh and clean, searching for her early morning pre-breakfast. 

“I know baby, I know you’re hungry,” Dana said as she laid her youngest daughter back in the co-sleeper. 

She got a ponytail holder from her night stand and put her hair up, wanting to avoid the grabby hands of her daughter. Sarah was lifted from her co-sleeper again and Dana lifted up her t-shirt, unhooked her nursing bra, and helped her daughter latch. Having done this twice before, she didn’t feel the need for fancy pillows and just held the baby in her arms unless she felt too tired, in which case she used a sling. Sighing in relief at the feeling of her breast being emptied, Dana searched for a burp cloth. 

While she was rummaging through drawers, she heard the pitter-patter of little feet and sighed. She turned towards the door and the silhouette of her oldest child could be made out. Finding and grabbing the item she was looking for, she sat down on the bed.

“Hey, sweetie, what are you doing up?” Dana asked quietly. “Did I wake you?”

Gracie shook her head. “Couldn’t sleep,” she said, rubbing her eyes. She silently made her way over to Dana and one-handedly was onto the bed. Gracie leaned into Dana’s side and gently stroked her sister’s foot. Sarah didn’t seem to be a fan and thrashed them about. Gracie pulled away and looked up at her mother before cuddling up to her again. 

“Are you okay?” Dana asked, curious for the well-being of her child.

“I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? I know this is a big adjustment for all of us.”

“I promise. It’s just a lot of people.”

“Well, Aunt Monica won’t be here forever, and little Sarah here won’t be in her own room for a while.”

“That’s okay. You’ll still spend time with us, right?” 

Dana placed an arm around Gracie's shoulder and held her close. “Of course I will. When I’m able, I’ll be back to nagging and asking you a million times if you’ve done your homework. We’ll still have our movie nights and girl time. Sarah’s just really little right now, and needs more attention. But I promise I still have time to spend with my two girls.”

Gracie nodded, hugging her mom and watching her youngest sister feed. 

“I know this hasn’t been easy for you, but I’m so proud of how you’ve handled everything,” Dana praised. “You’ve been a very big girl, and I’m so grateful for you.”

“Thanks, mommy. I love you.”

“I love you too, baby,” Dana said, kissing the top of her oldest child’s head.

She moved her arm and held Sarah over her shoulder to burp, and the process was repeated with the other breast.

Gracie moved to the unoccupied side of the bed and soon fell back asleep. While Dana was trying to get her daughters to spend the whole night in their own beds, a new sibling was a huge life change, so she understood. She waited for Sarah to finish nursing and lightly patted her daughter’s back. Half of the spit up ended up on her shirt, a usual occurrence these days. After swaddling her baby, Dana set Sarah down in the co-sleeper. She kissed her oldest daughter’s cheek and made her way to the kitchen and stealthily got a cup of water, tiptoeing around Monica, who was fast asleep on the couch. 

Feeling more parched than anticipated, Dana drank another glass of water and grabbed a maternity pad with witch hazel gel (her personal favorite despite the smell) from the freezer before returning to her bedroom. After performing her postnatal after-care routine and thanking God for whoever invented mesh underwear, she crawled back into bed without waking Gracie, ready to repeat the feeding process in the next two or so hours. The little girl moved closer to Dana and curled herself up next to her mother. Dana rolled to her side and watched her daughter’s head move with each breath. She kissed her daughter’s forehead and fell back asleep. 

X

Later that morning, an exhausted Dana Scully was nursing Sarah again, keeping her secure in a sling, while drinking water and eating a banana. Monica was making some sort of omelette and the two women were chatting when Gracie and Liv made their way to the kitchen. While they got up pretty early, most of the time they were able to get up for school without Dana needing to wake them.

“Rise and shine, kiddos!” Monica greeted them cheerfully. A morning person since she was little, she always seemed to be in a good mood way too early in the morning. Scullys were not. 

“Morning, Aunt Monica,” Gracie greeted back while Liv yawned and rubbed her eyes.  _ Me too,  _ Dana thought. 

“What do you want to eat? There’s eggs, toast, cereal…” Dana spoke up. 

“Can I have Cheerios with milk, mommy?” Liv asked, turning her attention to Dana. 

“I want butter toast, please,” Gracie requested. 

Dana got up, Sarah still attached to her, and prepared her daughters’ breakfasts. Soon the small squared dining table was fully occupied. 

“Are you taking us to school today, mommy?” Gracie asked with her mouth full.

Dana removed Sarah from her breast, closed her bra, and lowered her shirt. She patted her youngest daughter’s back while looking over to Monica and then to Gracie. 

“I thought you two could ride with me while I’m here. I’ll even let you pick the music,” Monica said, winking at the girls. 

“I need to take Sarah to the pediatrician today and I need to get some chores done,” Dana explained, not wanting to reveal the  _ real  _ reason for not taking the girls to school. The pain from birth had numbed to a constant soreness, and moving too much was unpleasant. 

“What’s a pedatristin?” Liv asked.

“It’s pee-dee-uh-trish-en. It’s a baby doctor,” Gracie informed confidently.

“You’re close. Pediatricians are doctors for children, babies included. When did you learn that?” Dana asked. She hadn’t relayed this specific information to her children, and they never asked. 

“I looked in one of the baby books.” 

After both girls were dressed and out the door with their pseudo-aunt, Dana found herself alone. Well, not totally alone. The proof was making gurgling noises in the pack-and-play that Monica had set up in the living room while Dana cleaned the dishes. 

Moving Sarah to the bassinet in the bedroom, Dana did a smell check for herself and determined she smelled okay enough for just doing chores. She sprayed some spray-on deodorant under her arms just in case. Putting her hair in a messy bun and changing into comfortable pants, she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked like she was still pregnant, her belly not having fully flattened. Feeling the flabby skin, she noted the tenderness. After having three kids, her body had lost some of its elasticity and firmness. Now, her skin was saggy and soft, which did not help as she sat in class with young women who looked like they could be models. Sighing, she put breast pads in her bra, wanting to avoid any potential leaks while she cleaned the apartment. Minding the extra weight in her belly, she looked for a casual loose-fitting shirt that wasn’t covered in spit up or milk stains or in the laundry. She picked out a t-shirt Melissa had given her a few years back and put it on, the bottom ending at her waist. 

Dana was able to run a load of laundry, wash dishes, vacuum, dust, and clean the bathroom. She still had time to take a shower before she needed to leave for Sarah’s appointment. 

Letting the warm water engulf her, she used this time to destress and just be. Until Sarah started crying, prompting a tingle in her rock-hard breasts and subsequent small flow of milk. The crying soon stopped, and she assumed Monica had gotten back and was comforting the baby.

After she was done, Dana changed into clothes appropriate for autumn in California and was towel-drying her hair as she checked on Monica and Sarah. The brunette woman was walking throughout the apartment, pointing out various art and items to the infant.

“Were the girls okay this morning?” Dana asked as she took the towel out.

“Yeah, they were great,” Monica assured as she turned her head toward Dana. “Only a minor scuffle, but we got it handled. Nugget and I were just looking at stuff. She seems very intrigued by shiny things.

Dana chuckled and walked back into her bedroom and searched for clothes to put on Sarah. She grabbed a lightweight hoodie with ‘Stanford’ written across the chest for herself and a white onesie with a pink owl that said ‘Owl Always Love Mommy’ and black leggings for her daughter. Grabbing a pair of gray baby socks, she made her way into the living room. 

Monica handed the baby to Dana, the latter changing the baby on the living room floor. Carefully picking up her daughter once she was done, Dana carried the small human in one arm as she put her phone and wallet in the diaper bag. She put Sarah in the car seat next that stood right next to the front door. Grabbing her keys and lifting the car seat, she turned to the taller woman. 

“I’ll let you know when I get back from Sarah’s appointment.”

“Sounds good.”

When the outside air met her, Dana was surprised the weather was cooler than she thought. Anything less than 50 degrees and she felt cold; it was a wonder she survived Maryland’s below freezing temperatures this time of year. 

“Okay, doodlebug, let’s get you strapped in,” Dana said sweetly to her daughter after she made it to the car. 

After gently locking in the car seat, she grasped the handle and double checked it was sturdy. This was her daughter’s first time going out that wasn’t when she was two days old and Dana wanted to make sure nothing would happen.

X 

After what she considered a successful check-up, Dana decided to get some fresh air and took Sarah to the local park. She parked the car and pulled out a sling from the diaper bag. She opened the back door on the passenger side and undid the buckle on the car seat, lifting Sarah by her armpits and placing her in the sling. Even though the weather was mild, Dana covered her baby’s head with a hat to protect her skin. 

Baby in tow, Dana walked on the sidewalk lining the mostly empty park, save for a few people getting their runs in and senior citizens sitting on benches watching various birds and squirrels roaming around. She pointed out various animals she saw to the tiny human attached to her, who looked around in amazement at all the different animals and scenery around her. 

Dana found a bench to sit on that was a little ways down the trail, and enjoyed the peace and quiet for a few moments. Her phone buzzed after a few minutes and she got a text from Monica.

_ Did the check-up go okay?  _

_ It went fine. She’s small, but no surprise there. We’re at the park and will be back soon.  _

Minutes later, Dana felt the familiar ache in her chest and Sarah started to squirm. Debating about feeding her in public versus at home, Dana chose the latter, hoping there wouldn’t be too much crying on the drive home. 

Fortunately, there wasn’t. However, Dana’s breasts were killing her and she barely made it in the apartment before wordlessly handing the baby over to Monica. After hastily removing the carrier and setting down the diaper bag, Dana hastily unhooked the strap on her nursing bra and grabbed her daughter back from Monica, revealing a breast and sighing in relief when Sarah started to eat. Dana sat down on the opposite side of the couch.

“That bad, huh?” Monica teased. As Dana’s best friend, it wasn’t awkward for Dana to breastfeed in front of her without a cover.

After a comfortable silence save for the hungry suckles of the baby, Monica spoke up. “I don’t know how you do it.”

“Do what?” Dana asked.

Monica gestured with her hands. “This. The whole student-mom thing. To three kids no less. You’re a real life superwoman.”

Dana chuckled. “It’s not easy, that’s for sure. That’s why I’m glad I have people like you and my mom and Missy. It really does take a village.”

“But what about when you have to go back on campus? That’s only two weeks from now. I can always stay longer, you know. I have plenty of PTO,” Monica offered.

“I could never ask that of you, Mon. And it won’t be too bad, I don’t think. I can always leave if something happens or I need to pump. This is very different from high school. But enough about me, what do you plan on doing here until you leave? Unless you want to be on chauffeur and diaper duty for the next ten or so days,” Dana teased.

Monica laughed. “That sounds like a plan. Besides, I don’t intend on having any of my own, so I gotta get my Auntie time in with the littles while I can.”

“You’ve made up your mind, then?” Dana wondered. Monica had been going back and forth between wanting kids or not since they met. 

“Yep,” Monica said surely. “I like being around kids, especially the girls, but the whole mom thing just isn’t for me. As long as I can give them back at the end of the day, I’m fine,” Monica joked. “More power to you, Danes, but I could never do that.”

“They are a lot of work,” Dana noted, looking at her youngest daughter and stroking her cheek. “Can you get me a glass of water and my phone, please?” she asked, changing the subject. 

Monica returned with the requested items as Dana burped Sarah. She set her daughter in the pack-and-play and moved to a lying position on the couch, bending her knees so her feet wouldn’t be touching Monica. 

“Did you ever think your life would be like this?” Monica asked. 

Dana sighed. “Absolutely not. I love my girls and I’m grateful to be their mom, but I never saw myself doing this at twenty-three. Hell, I especially didn’t think I would’ve been doing this at sixteen. I thought at this point I’d still be with Hunter. The only thing that’s actually happening the way I planned is med school. I saw us being together forever. With a nice little apartment, a dog, maybe engaged. Instead, I’m a divorced single mom to three girls an hour or so away from my closest family.” 

Tears started to fall from her cheeks as she continued. “To top it all off, said ex-husband is currently in jail awaiting another court date for his trial. He lied, abused, and manipulated me, and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late and he hurt someone else.” Dana started to get teary-eyed. “I’m sorry I kind of went off a tangent. I didn’t mean to dampen the mood. I guess I’m still not over it.”

Monica moved closer to Dana and set a gentle hand on her knee. “Well, for one, you just had a baby less than a week ago. Your hormones must be all over the place. Two, you’ve been through and experienced things no woman should ever have to go through. Three, fuck Hunter. He’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve the time of day. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me.”

“Oh, Mon…” Dana realized how she must’ve sounded as she wiped her eyes. “It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but…”

“Hey,  _ I  _ made the decision to stay.  _ I  _ was the one that waited too late. I don’t blame you for any of this, okay?”

Monica smiled sadly at her and nodded. She reached over and gave Dana a hug, mindful of her healing body. 

“Now, tell me about what you’ve been doing in New Mexico.”

X

They chatted for a while until Dana fell asleep during Monica’s story about her first cult case. Looking at her sleeping friend, Monica smiled and took a blanket that was draped over the couch to cover Dana with. She took a minute to admire her sleeping form before getting a drink. 

While Monica had known from a young age she had an attraction to women as well as men, she never expected to have a crush on her best friend. She knew Dana probably didn’t feel the same, and she didn’t want to cause any uncomfortableness between them. She wished she could express her feelings, but it was better this way. There was no way she could tell her best friend she liked her, especially now that Dana had so much on her plate; the last thing she needed was an admittance of attraction from someone she most likely only saw as a friend. Right now, Dana needed help, and Monica was more than happy to oblige. Compartmentalization was something the brunette prided herself on, and she was able to push her feelings aside to help take care of Dana’s girls. And even if nothing happened, Monica would still have someone she was lucky to call her best friend. She could live with that. 

Monica didn’t want Dana to feel physically uncomfortable when she woke up, so she decided to move the still-small woman to her bedroom. Putting one arm under her thighs and another behind her back, Monica carried Dana to her bed and gently laid her down. Letting her get the rest she needed, Monica busied herself with tidying up the living room and cleaning the kitchen. Dana insisted on doing chores, even though her body had only just pushed a baby out four days prior, so she wanted to make sure Dana had as little to do as possible. While she was sweeping the floor of the living room, she heard a low cry and checked on Sarah, whose face was scrunched up. 

“Okay, Miss Sarah Elizabeth, let’s wake up mommy so you can eat, okay? But let’s change your diaper first.” Monica went into the master bedroom. Since Dana was still asleep, Monica tried to quietly change Sarah’s diaper.

“Girl, you stink.” Monica made a silly face and tickled Sarah’s belly, causing the baby to giggle. After getting Sarah clean, she held the baby in her arms and went over to Dana. She gently nudged her shoulder. 

“Dana,” she whispered. 

Dana slowly blinked her eyes open. 

“Someone’s hungry.”

Dana slowly sat up and took Sarah from Monica’s arms. She lifted up the bottom of her shirt, unhooked her bra, and her daughter latched on, suckling hungrily. Monica didn’t miss Dana’s subtle detachment at her daughter.  _ She’s probably still groggy. _ Monica tried not to look too deep into it. Dana was fine earlier. She probably just needed more sleep.

“Thanks for letting me sleep,” she said tiredly. “Was she okay?”

“She was great. I was able to get a few chores done and she was quiet as a mouse,” Monica praised.

Dana rubbed her eyes. “You didn’t need to do that for me, Mon. I could’ve done them.”

“It was no problem. Besides, you’re still recovering. I can’t think bending over is good for you right now.”

“You’re a great friend.” Dana sighed and patted Sarah’s bottom. 

X

Monica thought the small incident was a one-time occurrence; she was unfortunately mistaken. Dana’s hormones and negative feelings manifested. It was definitely hard  _ not  _ to notice now. The stress of keeping up with her coursework online every day grouped with two children and a baby had finally gotten to Dana. She was more irritable than she had ever been. For reasons she couldn’t explain, it was like she had turned into a completely different person. Dana spent less time with her girls, became irritated at the slightest item out of place, and most heartbreaking of all, she would flat out refuse to spend time with her youngest daughter. The baby was rarely held except for nursing and every cry seemingly made Dana’s blood pressure rise.

One particularly rough morning when Sarah was not even two weeks old, she had been crying for hours and nothing seemed to work. Dana had not had any sleep for over twenty hours and was at her wit’s end. She had tried nursing, Monica (who extended her stay by two more weeks despite Dana’s insistence she was fine) had paced up and down the apartment and taken her outside, gently bouncing the baby as she walked, Gracie had tickled her youngest sister’s belly, and even Liv had had a turn holding her with either her mother or Monica’s help. Nothing. 

At that point Dana’s breasts continuously leaked at the sound of her cries and she wanted nothing more than to hide under the covers of her bed. She suspected Sarah probably had fever or colic, and took her temperature even though she didn’t feel hot. Better safe than sorry. Her temperature was within normal range, and according to her, Dana was at a loss at what to do. She would shed tears as she voiced her frustrations, feeling worthless at the fact she’d done this before. Twice. “How fucking stupid must I be to not know what to do have having  _ two  _ kids already?” she had said one night, her best friend rubbing her back and comforting her.

Monica had gone out to get groceries and when she came back, she couldn’t help but feel sympathy for what she came back to. 

The apartment was a mess. Not that it was filthy, but there were toys everywhere and random things in places they usually weren’t. While it had looked the same when Monica left, it felt different after a time away. Not to mention the pity she felt seeing Dana paced around the apartment, gently bouncing her baby as the young woman looked disheveled. At least she was holding her. Her hair was in a messy bun (messy being the key word) with hair askew, spit-up stained clothes, twin circles of leaking breast milk on her shirt, and bags under her eyes that seemed to have gotten darker in the half hour Monica was gone. 

“Please, baby. Please stop crying,” Dana begged as she held Sarah. 

“Hey Dana, I’m back.” Her words didn’t seem to register over the baby’s cries. Monica put the groceries away and gently touched Dana’s shoulder. She jumped, sighing as she realized it was just her. 

“Let me take her,” Monica offered gently. 

Dana didn’t need to be asked twice. After handing the baby over to Monica, she went to sit on the couch. She put her head in her hands and her shoulders shook as she cried. Monica made some whale noises in an attempt to calm Sarah. Dana was about ready to give up; she was exhausted and just wanted it to stop. 

Sarah still hadn’t stopped crying an hour later and Dana was trying to get her to nurse with no success. 

Liv came out of her room holding her ears. “Mommy, she won’t stop,” she whined. She and her older sister had tried to stay in their room to drown out the sound, but unfortunately it wasn’t working. 

Dana didn’t seem to hear her, so she raised her voice to get her mom’s attention. “Mommy! She won’t stop!”

Something snapped inside Dana, something she’d never felt before. It was as if all the emotions she’d repressed over the last year finally came up to the surface. “I  _ know  _ that, Liv. I’m trying  _ everything. _ Why don’t you just lower your voice and go back to your room.” The tone in which she had said those words were the meanest Liv had ever heard her. 

“Dana…” Monica said softly, rubbing her shoulder. Dana jerked away.

“But mommy-“

“I SAID GO!” Dana yelled over Sarah’s cries, pointing to the girls’ room, causing the baby to go from crying to full-on screaming.

Dana Scully never yelled at her children. Sure, she raised her voice at times, but she never yelled. Tears fell down Liv’s cheeks and she ran to her room. A door opened and Dana could hear Gracie speaking, startled by the commotion followed by the seven-year-old trying to console the tearful toddler. They disappeared behind the bedroom door, but Dana could still hear the sounds of another crying child.

Dana huffed, pinched the bridge of her nose, and sat down on the couch. She passed Sarah to Monica and wiped new tears away that had fallen. She pulled her knees up to her chest and crossed her arms on top of them, laying her head on her arms. Monica bounced Sarah and sat down next to her. 

“Dana, I’m worried. Please tell me what you’re feeling.” Monica gently rubbed her friend’s back, trying to comfort her. 

Dana looked up, tears tracks matching the milk stains on her shirt. “I’m a terrible mom,” she sobbed. “I was so stupid, thinking I could do this.”

“Dana, that’s not true,” Monica comforted. 

“Isn’t it?” Dana looked up. “I can’t get my own daughter to calm down, and I made another one cry. I don’t even  _ like  _ being around Sarah, and I don’t know why. My clothes are soaked with milk right now, and nothing I do ever seems to be enough. I’m raising three kids mostly alone, and I’m exhausted. My boobs are cracked and raw and hurt like hell. And just last week Gracie came home crying because someone made fun of her for Hunter being in jail. I just yelled at Liv when I promised I never would, and I feel like shit. I’m failing my own daughters. Hunter was right, I can’t do this on my own.” Dana’s breath quickened after her long-winded confession and Monica was afraid she’d hyperventilate. 

“Dana, breathe. Breathe, okay?” Monica tried to even Dana’s breathing and guided her, moving her hand up and down with each inhale and exhale. Dana eventually calmed and Monica noticed Sarah was quieting down a little. 

“I’ll be damned if you believe one word that comes out of that piece of shit’s mouth, even for a second.” Monica paused, as if in thought. “Dana?” she asked, putting a hand on her best friend’s shoulder. 

“Yeah?”

“I just want you to know you’re a great mom. Gracie is the sweetest little thing and Liv is bubbly and kind. Sarah is, well, not even two weeks old. But I’m sure she’ll grow up to be a good human. Dana, you’re doing your best. It’s okay.

“No one expects you to be perfect. You’re juggling so much right now and I am in awe of you, Dana Katherine Scully. And you know, I think I know what might be the cause of your behavior lately,” she admitted.

Dana looked up, curious. “What?” she asked, sniffling. 

“I’ve been doing some research when you first started showing signs. I didn’t want to say anything unless I was absolutely sure, but I think after what just happened, I at least tell you. It’s called ‘Postpartum Depression’ or PPD. It’s not like the ‘baby blues’ you had after Gracie and Liv.”

Monica looked at her friend for acknowledgement, but all she saw was a blank stare.

“Dana, I know you may not want to hear this, and I’m only saying this because I love you.”

Looking over again, she saw Dana cock an eyebrow. 

“I just think it’d be beneficial if you had a psychological evaluation and agreed to meet with a therapist. Just once,” she said the last part quickly. “I’m sure I can find some good ones, and again I only say this as your best friend-“

“Okay.” Dana unfolded herself and put her hands in her lap.

“Okay?” Monica was shocked. Dana hadn’t even gone to therapy after the fiasco with Hunter. She claimed she was fine and just wanted to live as normally as possible, but Monica wondered if it wasn’t eating her away not talking to a licensed professional. 

“Okay. I… know something’s been… wrong with me for a little while now.” She looked down, ashamed.

“Dana, nothing is  _ wrong  _ with you,” Monica emphasized. “You just gave birth! I know I’ve said this before, but your hormones are all over the place, and Lord knows you have your hands full. Many women experience this Dana, and you’re not alone, I promise.

“Now, I suggest I take the girls to the park to get some fresh air while you get some rest. What do we say, Miss Sarah?” Monica asked sweetly towards the baby, whose cries had quieted some, but were still at about a medium volume. She looked back at Dana and held out her hand for her to take. 

“I’ll get the girls ready while you change, okay?” Monica helped Dana off the couch. 

Dana nodded and tiredly made her way to her bedroom. Crying, she peeled the milk-stained clothes off of her body and wiped herself down. Her breasts only had a small pool of milk around her nipples now, and she pulled out a nursing bra, an oversized t-shirt, and shorts. 

She walked out of the bedroom to get a glass of water and suddenly she felt a small human hug her legs. Looking down, she met Liv’s red-rimmed gaze, her heart breaking at how she had spoken earlier and just how much she had hurt the girl. She knelt down to meet her and cupped Liv’s jaw. 

“I’m so sorry I yelled at you, baby,” Dana apologized, fixing her daughter's hair. 

“It’s okay, mommy. Auntie Monica said you were tired.” 

Liv wrapped her arms around her mom’s neck and Dana buried her face in the crook of her daughter’s neck. “I love you, baby,” Dana said, the words muffled. She was truly amazed at her middle daughter’s forgiveness.

“I love you too, mommy.” Liv released the hug and went to Monica as Dana stood.

Gracie took her turn next and hugged her mom. She was taller, so her face was level with Dana’s waist and caused her to be more gentle. Moving her head to the side, Gracie sighed. “I hope you feel better, mommy.”

“We’ll be back soon. Do you want me to take some milk with me?” Monica asked as the girls made their way to the front door.

“That’s fine,” Dana replied.

Gracie and Liv said goodbye to Dana as they left with Monica and Sarah. Dana found herself alone and ironically, the silence was too loud. She ran her hand down her face and drank some water before heading back to the bedroom. Laying down on her side, she let her eyes close and drifted off to the first peaceful sleep since before Sarah was born. 

She awoke at the sound of keys jingling, and soon heard the door open and close. Yawning, she sat up and rubbed her eyes. When she looked at the time, her eyes widened.  _ 5:37 pm.  _ She had slept for almost four hours! Her chest felt like it was about to explode and she needed to relieve the pressure. Slowly walking out of the room, she was met with hugs from her girls. 

“Did you have fun?” she asked. 

“Yep!”

“Lots!”

Dana looked at Monica, who was holding a whimpering Sarah, and smiled. 

“She made it until about twenty minutes ago. She must’ve sensed something was off, because she finished a bottle but still seems hungry,” Monica said, handing the baby to Dana. Leaning in, she whispered in her ear. “How’re you feeling?” she asked as Dana unhooked her nursing bra, sighing in relief as Sarah nursed.

“Okay. Better.” Dana looked at her best friend and gave a small smile. 

“You’re like a cow, mommy!” Liv declared as the baby suckled. 

“Liv!” Gracie exclaimed, horrified.

“What?” she asked.

Dana arched an eyebrow and rustled her middle child’s hair. “Thanks, honey.”

Moving to the couch, she continued to nurse as Gracie and Liv told her of their time at the park and the way their faces lit up when they got to certain parts. She looked over at Monica, who was now seated on the opposite side of the couch. Even though she had been there, she was actively listening and laughing when the girls told a funny part of their stories. Looking down at her baby’s quiet suckling, Dana’s mood changed to discontentment. It was hard to admit she wasn’t bonding with her baby and maybe Monica was right. She needed to make a reminder to search therapists in the area unless Monica beat her to it, bonus points if they were knowledgeable with what Monica said she may have. The need to want to make her girls proud was overwhelming, especially since they only had one parent. Looking at her girls, she smiled and listened as they told their story.

Monica excused herself, citing the need to use the restroom. Hurrying down the hall, she swiftly locked the door and pulled out her phone. The buttons beeped as she dialed the one person she could rely on to come and help. She chewed her fingernail as the phone rang, anxious with each ring that passed. Finally, she was met with a “Hello?” and sighed.

“Maggie?”

“Oh, hello dear. How’s everyone up there?” the older woman asked.

“That’s the thing. I can’t explain it over the phone, but Dana needs help.”

“You know I’m always willing to come up and let Dana get out and-“

“I’m afraid it isn't physical help she needs,” she interrupted.

“You mean…”

“Yeah. I think she’s suffering from postpartum depression.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Maggie said. “And Monica?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t beat yourself over this. If it’s as severe as I think, it’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my mamas, y’all are so strong and badass. I hope I got this chapter right. (No seriously, Google thinks I’m pregnant 😂)
> 
> To women: I mean, y’all just rock in general, and I hope this chapter helps give you insight as to what your mama friends may be going though. I shit you not, I found out newborns eat _every two hours._
> 
> Hug a mom today. Your mom, your mom’s mom, or another mom if bio relations are a sore subject. We wouldn’t be here without y’all ❤️


	8. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dana goes to therapy and tries to process her experiences, but actions by a trusted mentor leave her more broken than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: mentions of mental illness, medication, sexual assault, depression, and abuse of relationship**
> 
> This chapter was super important for me to write, and while I 100% believe fanfiction shouldn’t be the sole source of information, I wanted to bring to life the reality of sexual assault and therapy. I am not a therapist, so some things may not be entirely accurate. 
> 
> This chapter and the next will be very heavy in terms of potentially triggering content, so please be cautious while reading. 
> 
> A super huge thank you to OnlyTheInevitable/gaycrouton for the beta and bisexualreina for all your help!

February 2010

_ Client Name: Scully, Dana K _

_ Session #: 1 _

_ Session Date: 02/12/2010 _

_ Date of Birth: 02/23/1986 _

“Okay Dana, why don’t we start with why you’re here.”

Dana looked down at her hands and picked at her nails. It was her first therapy appointment and she was nervous, to put it lightly. Dr. Anna Taylor had a medium-pitched but kind voice. With long dark brown hair and eyes to match, she stood a good eight inches taller than Dana, but wasn’t intimidating. One plus was Dr. Taylor had emotional support animals available during sessions for clients if they felt nervous or just wanted the comfort of an animal. Dana was currently utilizing one and couldn’t seem to stop wanting to pet the small Yorkshire Terrier whose dog tag read “Winnie” that laid her head in Dana’s lap. She eventually gave in, if only to stop picking or biting her nails. 

“Um, well... mainly because I got diagnosed with Postpartum Depression in January after an evaluation by a psychologist.”

Dr. Taylor wrote in a notebook, which Dana found mildly nerve-racking, and looked back up at her. “I commend you, Dana. Many people struggle to state their illness themselves until even years after being in therapy.”

“It’s hard. I never thought I’d be sitting here talking to a therapist about my mental health problems. But, I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I want to be a good mom for my girls.” 

“And you’re off to a great start. Have you ever been in a session like this before?” 

Dana shook her head no and continued to run her hand over the small animal slowly inching their way into her lap. 

“Okay, so what usually happens is the first session is more informative. That means you’ll mostly be doing the talking so I can gauge exactly the best step moving forward if you choose to continue. Sound good?” she asked.

Dana nodded.

“Now, why don’t we start with a little background. Tell me about yourself, Dana.”

“Um, okay. I’m twenty-three years old, almost twenty-four. I have three siblings: Bill, Melissa. and Charlie. Bill and Melissa are older and Charlie is younger. I have three daughters: Hannah who’s seven and goes by Gracie, Olivia who’s four and goes by Liv, and Sarah who’s four months and mostly the reason I’m here.” Dana paused and sighed. “I’m stupid, you probably know all of this.” Dana looked down again, not wanting to meet her eyes.

“I promise you’re not, Dana. Your file says you’re currently attending Stanford. I’d say that’s far from it. You were valedictorian at your high school and top of your class at Maryland. And you did all of this with a baby, small child or both. I wouldn’t use that word to describe you,” Dr. Taylor’s smile was kind, showing her genuineness at the statement.

Dana smiled weakly. “I guess I’m just not used to talking about my life in front of a doctor who already knows so much about me.”

“It’s alright. I’m here to listen and help you, not judge you. This is a safe space and you can let out any and all feelings.”

Dana sighed. “Okay then. I guess getting pregnant with my oldest daughter is also kind of the reason I’m here. I had her when I was sixteen and a junior in high school. My ex-husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, was very supportive and even moved to Maryland with me when I went to college. He worked while I finished high school and provided for us while I was in undergrad. Um, my family was mostly supportive, but my dad and older brother didn’t really like the fact I was a teen mom. We’re Catholic,” she explained. “My dad was disappointed and Bill still thinks we should’ve gotten married as soon as I found out I was pregnant, even though I was only sixteen. My mom, though… she loved Hunter, and was shocked when I told her. Everyone in my family except my sister blamed me, and Charlie didn’t care either way. I learned to keep things private about my life with Hunter after that.” Dana could hear the scratching of a pencil against paper. 

“My best friend Monica helped me a lot during my pregnancies. We met in middle school and we’re still best friends. She moved back to New Mexico for college and now works for a police department there doing research and something with cults.”

“I, uh… I faced a lot of judgement when I had Gracie. A lot of people at our parish wouldn’t talk to me or let their kids be around me or her. Not just at church. A lot of the moms at her daycare back in Maryland didn’t approve of a sixteen-year-old bringing in her baby so she could take classes.” Dana caught her breath before continuing. She was surprised at how comfortable she felt recanting her experience to a woman she just met not half an hour prior.

“I didn’t really let it bother me. I mean, I just wanted to be the best mom I could. My parents and ex supported me financially and I got a campus job at Maryland working as a lab assistant. Um, he proposed when I told him I was pregnant again. I was twenty. We got married pretty soon so my brother wouldn’t get upset over me having another child out of wedlock. After I had Liv, my ex-husband started acting  _ completely _ different.” Dana’s breath hitched recalling the memories, feeling her heart beat faster than she thought possible. Her breasts ached and she silently prayed she wouldn’t embarrass herself by having a milk malfunction. While the woman in front of her more than likely wouldn’t care if such an incident occurred, it didn’t quell the feeling of absolute dread.

“He always wanted to have sex, even though I hadn’t healed and when I did, I was so tired after classes, work, and kids, I fell asleep on him several times. He’d get so mad. He started grabbing me really hard and eventually he resorted to hitting. The girls were okay, he never harmed them. I wouldn’t let him. But one night… Liv was almost a year old and I was still breastfeeding. He came home and I could tell he’d gone drinking after work. I was feeding Liv and he… he grabbed me by the neck and made me put Liv down. She was crying really hard and I begged him to let me finish feeding her, but he…” She exhaled shakily as she willed herself to continue, “He pushed me onto the bed and…” Dana started to cry. She looked down and could feel her breasts leak. “Shit,” she muttered as they started to soak through her breast pads. So much for being spared embarrassment. “Sorry, I’m still breastfeeding Sarah,” Dana said as she pulled on a jacket. Winnie looked up at her curiously and stood, only to sit back down again after circling in Dana’s lap. 

“It’s okay, Dana. Now, that particular memory stands out to you. Was that the first time you were sexually assaulted by your ex-husband?”

Dana took a sharp breath. She knew what she had gone through, but having her years of experiencing what she did condensed down into just two words was daunting. After a pause, she shook her head and ran her hands along Winnie’s coat to keep from fidgeting. “I was fifteen. I didn’t realize it was  _ assault _ until years later. I still struggle with guilt.”

“You know it wasn’t your fault, right Dana?” 

“I do now, not so much then.”

More writing could be heard, making her heart race. Even though it was the other woman’s job, she felt uneasy. She was nervous about what Dr. Taylor was writing and she wouldn't even get to see it. 

Anna looked up at Dana. “Your file says your ex-husband was arrested in December of 2008 but your daughter was born in October of 2009.”

“Yeah, um… he posted bail and found me after I went out with friends from med school,” Dana explained.

“I see. Do you think your memories of your attacks have played apart in your depression?”

The redhead shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe. I had to repress what happened to me and he kept saying how horrible of a mother I was after I had Liv because I was so busy. It happened so much they’re all jumbled together.”

“I see…”

“And then when Sarah was born, suddenly you have three kids by yourself and trauma you’d carry with you forever. You’re alone and wanted to look for a bigger apartment because you can’t fit three girls in one room, but you can’t afford it. You have to talk to your rotation supervisors to figure out how you’d be able to pump while doing clinicals and you feel like you’re abandoning your girls. His words keep coming back and then in December you’re preparing to visit family, Christmas is right around the corner, your hormones are still all over the place from having a baby, you’re stressed as hell, and you just… lose it.”

“Had you been feeling these things for a while?” Dr. Taylor asked, her eyes on the consistent bouncing of her patient’s leg, which shook the small dog. 

Dana saw her stare, and stopped. “Not at first, but after Sarah was born… it was like a light went off. You’re in physical pain as well as feeling just…  _ shitty _ . You can’t seem to bond with your baby and you feel horrible for feeling like you’re resenting her. Your girls started to test the waters and even your oldest, who is the more mild-mannered one, starts acting up. You can’t do anything right and the apartment is always a mess. Your best friend comes to help you and stays for a month, two weeks longer than planned. She was actually the one that found you.”

“Dana, you started to refer to yourself in the second person.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Do you realize that by doing so, you distance yourself from what happened? And you didn’t start until you started talking about your youngest daughter. Do you think that may be why you can’t seem to bond with her?”

Dana didn’t answer, preferring to stare at the small dog in her lap. 

_ Presenting problem: Dana was sexually assaulted as a teen, and has difficulties raising her three children alone. Feelings of shame and guilt are reported. Dana describes mood swings on par with Postpartum Depression. She admits her past sexual trauma may be a possible origin point for her depression. Dana will refer to herself in the second person to distance herself from the issue at hand. _

_ Mental status: Dana is alert and attentive. She is also well-groomed and her speech patterns are normal. Dana exhibits signs of depression and anxiety. No signs of drug use. _

“It seems like Monica is very special to you,” Dr. Taylor observed, changing the subject. 

“She is. She’s been amazing throughout this whole thing. She’d take the girls to school, took care of Sarah if I was tired, she helped with almost everything. I don’t know how I would’ve managed to make it without her.”

_ Content of therapy: Dana was encouraged to introduce herself and her background for our first session to gain insight to her mental health concerns. She has difficulties with managing her schedule at the hospital and raising three children while breastfeeding and caring for an infant. She discussed her best friend Monica. Dana is encouraged to come back weekly for sessions.  _

X

  
  


The rest of the session went by relatively quickly and Dr. Taylor made sure Dana was taking her medication and recommended she come back for another session. Getting confirmation she could bring Sarah just in case, Dana felt more at ease and scheduled an appointment for a week away. 

She walked out of Dr. Taylor’s office feeling lighter than she’d had in years. Being able to lay everything out on the table without fear of judgement was beneficial and before long, Dana had to stop herself or else she’d run out of time. Dr. Taylor was nice about it and encouraged Dana to write down anything she wanted to bring up in the next session.

After she got home, Dana thanked the sitter and checked on her girls. Sarah was hungry, so she nursed her while going into the girls’ room. Gracie and Liv were currently playing with a doll set Gracie had gotten last Christmas. 

“Hey kiddos,” Dana announced her presence. 

“Mommy!” Her girls rushed over and hugged her. 

“Did you have fun with Taylor?” she asked. 

“Yeah, but I liked Baylee better!” Liv said.

“I’m sorry, baby. Baylee was with another family today. I’ll be sure to ask her back, okay?” That seemed to be a good enough answer.

“Okay, so as soon as this one,” Dana gestured to the smallest Scully, “-is done with her dinner, I’ll get started on ours, okay? Get ready to clean up your toys soon.”

The girls groaned, but also vocalized their agreement and went back to playing while Dana waited for Sarah to finish nursing. She felt a buzz on her phone and saw a text from Monica. 

_ How was the session? _

_ It went really great. I like Dr. Taylor and I’m seeing her next week  _

_ I’m glad! Just want you to be okay _

_ Thanks. I’m about to start dinner so I’ll talk to you later _

After the girls went to bed and Dana finally got Sarah to fall asleep, she completed her nightly after-shower routine, which consisted of exfoliation, anti-acne treatment, a green tea mask every other night, teeth whitening treatment, and an oil-reducing moisturizer. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the most complicated night routine she knew of. She’d seen videos of girls and women on Facebook and YouTube that seemed to use twenty products at night. However, since Dana didn’t have a specific morning routine other than a face wash and hair care, night-time was when she treated herself. 

Padding out of the bathroom, she checked to make sure Sarah was asleep, and climbed into bed, her head forcefully hitting the pillow. She scrolled through social media for a few minutes, mindlessly liking other people’s posts. Putting her phone away, she grabbed a medical journal and read through it to wind down. She looked over at Sarah again and closed her eyes for a moment. 

It had been a month since she had been diagnosed, but she still hadn’t bonded with her baby daughter. With Gracie and Liv, she had bonded with them within a month. That wasn’t to say she  _ disliked _ her baby, but she felt contentment at best. Not even Sarah’s gurgles or baby laughs could bring anything other than a small smile. Hopefully their time would come soon. 

She finally situated herself and closed her eyes, hoping for a restful sleep until she had to get up and give in to the demands of a five-month-old baby.

  
  


X 

The next day

“Dr. Waterston? You wanted to see me?” Dana knocked on the door of her professor’s office. 

Daniel Waterston was older, about fifty, and was Dana’s favorite profesor from the previous semester and was also her rotation supervisor. She considered him a mentor, and he had been very supportive of her pregnancy, willing to work with her and make accommodations. She owed him a lot. 

“Ah, yes, Dana. Please, come sit.”

She closed the door behind her and sat in a chair in front of Dr. Waterston’s desk.

“Dana, I called you here because I’m concerned.” 

“Oh, sir, I’m doing all I can and I’m trying to turn my work in on time-“

“Dana, I’m not upset.”

“You’re not?” she asked apprehensively.

“I’m not. In fact, I came up with an idea on how I will be able to help. I know you’ve been very busy since having your little girl and I want to help you in any way I can.”

Dana looked at him questioningly. He got up out of his chair and sat in the one next to her. Considerably closer than she felt comfortable with, Dana wondered why he didn’t just stay at his desk. 

“Sir, you’ve already helped me so much, you’ve been so supportive in all of this. I couldn’t ask you for anything else.” While she truly was appreciative, her instincts were telling her to end the meeting as quickly as possible. 

“You don’t understand. What I have in mind is a more… outside-the-box idea,” he said, placing a hand on her knee. 

_ Are you fucking kidding me. _ Dana gulped and looked away from him. “Am I understanding you want me to…  _ ’earn’ _ my grade?”

His hand snaked up her thigh ever so slowly. “You’re such a smart young woman. That’s exactly what I mean. You owe me this, Dana. I was supportive during your pregnancy last semester and helped you stay on track . If not for me, you wouldn’t have been able to.”

Dana was both disgusted and afraid. She had already gone through this once, and now she was about to be assaulted by a professor she thought she could trust.  _ Can I not get a fucking break? _ Never in a million years would she think the person she considered a mentor could be capable of causing her so much pain. She wanted to run, to push him off, to do anything else, but her body wouldn’t allow her to move. Dana was frozen, forced to go through whatever was about to happen.

His hand moved higher until they reached the button of her jeans. He unbuttoned it and pulled down her zipper. Tears fell down Dana’s and she silently prayed whatever prayers she could think of. 

_ Our Father, who art in Heaven, _

_ hallowed be Thy name; _

_ Thy kingdom come; _

_ Thy will be done; _

_ on earth as it is in Heaven. _

_ Give us this day our daily bread. _

_ And forgive us our trespasses, _

_ as we forgive those who trespass against us. _

_ And lead us not into temptation; _

_ but deliver us from evil. _

_ Amen. _

“Hmm. You seem very excited. How ready you are, Dana.” 

_ Angel of God, _

_ my guardian dear, _

_ To whom God's love _

_ commits me here, _

_ Ever this day, _

_ be at my side, _

_ To light and guard, _

_ Rule and guide. _

“Don’t cry, Dana. You’re always so stressed. You need this. Just relax.”

_ Hail Mary, _

_ Full of Grace, _

_ The Lord is with Thee. _

_ Blessed art Thou among women, _

_ and blessed is the fruit _

_ of Thy womb, Jesus. _

_ Holy Mary, _

_ Mother of God, _

_ pray for us sinners now, _

_ and at the hour of our death. _

Three ‘Hail Marys’ later, he finally removed his hand, and Dana was grateful for the loss of contact. Daniel took a tissue from his desk and cleaned his hand, the other hand wiping away her tears. 

“You work so hard for your family; think of this as just another thing to help them. Plus, as long as you come in at least once a week, you can stay on track and not have to delay your graduation.”

Her heart beat furiously at his demand. “You sick bastard. Are you blackmailing me?” Dana asked angrily, wiping away more tears that had fallen. “You get to finger me or whatever you want in exchange for me to graduate on time?” 

“We’ve always had a special bond, Dana. I knew it ever since you were so eager to prove yourself to me, asking questions and being more than willing to do the work. I know school is hard for you now, and I thought it would help you if we could relive the stress together,” he leaned in and whispered into her ear, giving her neck goosebumps, “tell anyone, and I have the power to make sure you don’t ever graduate.” Suddenly she felt a harsh tug at her hair as she felt his hot breath closer to her skin. “We wouldn’t want that now, would we? Think of all the people you’d be disappointing. Your parents, your  _ kids _ . You are  _ mine _ now.” He leaned back and smiled wickedly. 

“It was nice meeting with you Dana,” he said as he got up to open his office door. “I expect to see you next Friday at three. I wish I didn’t have to do this, but you’ve given me no choice, what with all the times I fought for you. All I’ve done for you, you  _ owe _ me this.”

“And if I refuse?” she asked, sniffling. 

“You’ll fail. And I’ll personally guarantee you’ll  _ never _ find a job in medicine.” 

Dana’s head was spinning. She was utterly and completely shocked by how quick his attitude toward her changed. Last semester, he was professional, always answering her questions and asking if she was okay when she was farther along in her pregnancy. Not once did she think she’d end up in this situation with him. She frantically buttoned and zipped her jeans, left his office, and rushed to the nearest bathroom. She braced the sink and sobbed. Looking into the mirror, she wiped away the tears.  _ Damn it. Damn it to Hell.  _

Everything was just starting to look up and it’s completely unwinded again thanks to another man. What was wrong with her? Was she just a magnet for abusive, predatory men? She slammed her hands down on the sink and let out a cry of frustration as she felt the familiar tingling sensation in her breasts. This caused even more tears to fall and she soon felt the release of her milk.  _ God fucking dammit.  _

Soon she heard a toilet flush. Another student walked out and washed her hands, looking at Dana as she grabbed paper towels to dry her hands. 

“Rough day?” she asked kindly. 

“You could say that,” Dana said as she wiped her eyes and grabbed paper towels, trying to hide the evidence of crying. 

“I understand. We have to go through clinicals for the next year and a half, and  _ I  _ have a two year old at home to take care of. My husband’s an EMT and we’re both gone so long and our schedules vary so much, we really only have the weekends together.”

“I have three girls and I wonder how I’m able to get through the days sometimes.” Dana sniffed and chuckled as she looked into the mirror to check if her shirt was stained. She pushed away any thoughts of what just happened to her no more than five minutes ago.

“Wow, three? I feel like my son is a handful, but three girls? A real-life Wonder Woman,” she praised as she crossed her arms and leaned into the sink on her side. 

“Well, one’s seven, so she helps with my four-month old when she wants, but my four-year-old is my wild child.” For reasons unknown, she decided to include her girls’ ages. 

“Shut up, there’s no way you had a baby less than six months ago. You look fantastic!” the woman noted. 

Dana let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. The other woman didn’t seem to be bothered like some of her other peers. Maybe she was just someone who minded their own business, or maybe it was the fact they shared an understanding. Either way, she was grateful. “I’m still nursing, and that usually helps me with weight loss. I still haven’t lost all the weight, though.”

“It took me almost a year to lose all the baby weight. To be fair, I only nursed for three months. But the fact you’ve had  _ three  _ babies and have looks that could kill. I’m so jealous.” 

Dana blushed and smiled shyly. In all honesty, she felt the blonde-haired, brown-eyed young woman she was conversing with was more attractive than her. Her face was kind and her eyes felt welcoming.

“Anyway, I realize I haven’t introduced myself. My name’s Marie.” The woman walked over to the redhead and held out her hand. Dana took it and shook gently. 

“Dana.”

“That’s such a pretty name! Here, why don’t I give you my number and maybe our kids can have a play date sometime. I would suggest inviting you to go out for drinks; you know, adult time, but if you’re still nursing...”

Dana waved her off. “It’s alright. I’m not a big drinker anyway, but I’ve been known to indulge occasionally.”

“I’ll definitely remember that.” Marie smiled and took out a pen and a scrap piece of paper and wrote her number down for Dana and gave it to her. “See you around, Dana.”

“Bye, Marie.” 

Maybe she could get through the next year or so. Dana  _ needed _ to get through this for her girls. She wanted to be able to provide for them on her own without relying on her parents, and she just needed to get through med school. 

_ You have to be strong, you have to be strong, you have to be strong.  _

But how many times must she be? 

X

Dana found herself in a sour mood for the rest of the day. Even when she came home, she was quick with her girls and barely said a word as she set the bottles she had pumped in the freezer and went to feed Sarah. “Thanks,” was all she said to Baylee as she paid her. The young woman had offered to stay longer and help, but she insisted everything was okay. 

She locked herself in her room and closed her eyes as Gracie and Liv stood outside her room repeatedly knocking on the door wanting the attention of their mother. Dana tried to conceal her sobs, but she couldn’t hold back her tears. She placed a hand over her mouth and let the dam break. Tear drops landed on Sarah’s cheek as she nursed, her tiny hands scratching and smacking against Dana’s chest. There was silence for a minute, and she was grateful for her moment of peace. It didn’t last long, however, as Gracie came back. This time, she practically pounded on the door and Sarah was whimpering.

“Mommy!” Gracie cried. She had been calling for her mother for several minutes and Dana had had enough. 

Tear-stricken, her anger rose. She tried to be patient, but she found herself irrationally upset. Barely wiping the tears away, she got up and unlocked the door. 

“ _ What? _ ” she yelled in frustration. 

Gracie was on the verge of tears herself, sniffling. “Liv’s playing with glass,” she said. “She got into the cabinet with the cups, and-“

As if on cue, a sound of shattering was heard from the kitchen, and Dana rushed to the scene. Liv stood there, surrounded by broken white shards. 

“Liv!” she cried as she picked up the toddler carefully and carefully placed her away from the mess. 

“I’m sorry…” 

“Mommy, I told her not to-“

“I don’t care what you said, take your sister and go to your room.”

“But-“

“Don’t make me repeat myself,” Dana cut her off.

Gracie and Liv fell silent as the older child held out her hand for her sister to take. 

“I’m sorry, mommy,” Liv apologized as they made the defeated trek to their room.

Dana paid her no mind as she adjusted Sarah to the other breast, placing her in a sling so she could clean. She wept up the glass, muttering the occasional curse word when she missed a small piece and nicked the bottom of her foot. When the glass was cleaned up, her foot tended to, and Sarah burped, she retreated to her bedroom and placed the baby in her crib. 

She didn’t mean to be short with her girls and she knew she had hurt their feelings. They didn’t deserve to have her anger and frustration placed on them. They were innocent and she was the one who had been hurt, not them. Tears spilled again as she chastised herself for her behavior. She’d been doing better since her diagnosis and treatment, having been prescribed Wellbutrin for her depression. It had helped her immensely, but this new development felt like starting back at square one. 

Everything she’d worked so hard for could be thrown away. Her future was on the line. Either she submit to being violated, or have her dream crushed along with the chance to prove her hard work. Failure was not an option, which left violation and abuse at the hands of someone who she thought had supported her, but it was all just an ulterior motive. Where had she seen that before? 

She felt worthless. After what had happened, she couldn’t even be bothered with her own damn children. Gracie and Liv probably felt hurt, and they couldn’t be blamed. Dana had been rude to them since she stepped foot in the apartment.

The fact she’d been so harsh caused more tears to fall and sobs to escape her. She sat down on the bed, taking off her shoes before pushing her legs into herself and placing her head in the space between her knees, holding her hands at her ankles. She cried for several minutes, not hearing Gracie open the door. 

The little girl stared at her mom. Gracie had never seen her cry like this before, and it scared her. Even when Aunt Monica said her mommy was very sad after having Sarah, she didn’t cry. Tears fell for her own eyes and she walked to the kitchen. She opened the drawer where her mom kept pencils, stamps, and other office supplies. It also held a basic flip phone, one that Gracie could only use for emergencies. Gracie went to the refrigerator and looked at the various phone numbers her mom kept up for babysitters. Near the top read “ _ Maggie Scully, Dana’s mom: (619) 278-3982 _ .” Gracie carefully entered in the numbers. It rang a few times and she heard her grandmother pick up the phone. 

“Hello? Gracie? Is everything okay?” Maggie asked. She knew the number and Dana had told her about the usage in case she was ever called.

“Gramma, it’s bad,” Gracie said through tears.

“Oh honey, what happened?”

“I don’t know. Mommy was fine today, but she came home and was mean. I went to her room and she was crying. Liv spilled glass and mommy was mad and sent us to our room. Baylee left and mommy left us alone. She’s really sad. I don’t know what I did.” The little girl’s voice broke at her last statement.

Maggie’s heart ached at hearing her oldest granddaughter’s words. She knew Dana had gone to therapy the day before, but Gracie hadn’t called so she assumed everything was fine. 

“I’ll be there soon, okay? Just sit tight. You didn’t do anything wrong, mommy is just having a hard time right now. She loves you very much. I love you, too.”

“Love you,” Gracie responded before hanging up. 

She went back to her mom’s room to check on her. Her back was facing away from the door, and her knees were bent. She was probably tired from crying. Gracie’s stomach rumbled, but she didn’t want to wake her. The girl went over to where her sister slept, closest to the window, and peered inside the crib. Sarah was holding her feet and gurgling. The baby grunted when she saw her older sister. Gracie sat next to the crib and held her hand out in the space between the white wooden bars. 

Sarah laughed and giggled, holding Gracie’s fingers in her tiny hand. The oldest Scully got up, letting go of her baby sister, and watched her mom sleep. Her brows furrowed and she had a pained expression; even sleep could not bring peace. Gracie carefully climbed onto the bed and cuddled up to her mother. She curled up to her mother’s chest and Dana unconsciously placed her hand on her daughter’s back. Gracie hugged her mom, hoping to bring her comfort. 

“I love you, mommy,” she whispered in her mother’s ear. 

Slowly, she got out from her position, Dana’s arm going limp with sleep. The little Scully watched her mother again, looking back at her sister before rejoining Liv with playing and waiting for help to come.

X

_ Client Name: Scully, Dana K _

_ Session #: 2 _

_ Session Date: 02/19/2010 _

_ Date of Birth: 02/23/1986 _

“Okay Dana, any new developments since our session last week?” Dr. Taylor asked.

Dana let out a snarky laugh as she rocked Sarah, who sat content in the sling wrapped around Dana’s body.

“I’m going to assume yes?” 

“Where do I start?  _ The day  _ after I came in last week, I had clinicals as usual. Well, afterward, one of my professors, Dr. Waterston, had asked me to meet with him. I’d missed six weeks to recover from Sarah’s birth, so I understood. Well, turns out he’s blackmailing me. He wants me to perform…  _ ‘favors’ _ for him in exchange for a good grade.”

_ Presenting problem: Dana reports a sexual assault by her professor. She states she is being blackmailed by Dr. Waterston for a good grade in his class. _

Dr. Taylor wrote in her notebook and looked up at Dana. “Can you report him to the university?”

“I mean, I could, but who are they going to believe? A single mom or a doctor highly respected in his field? If I cry sexual assault, they’ll just think I was the one suggested it in the first place. My future is  _ literally _ in his hands.”

_ Mental status: Dana is alert and attentive. She is well-groomed. Speech patterns are normal. Dana expresses agitation and frustration.  _

Dr. Taylor just looked at her as if prompting her to say more.

“And the fact I had him last semester and saw him as a mentor is even worse. I told him about Hunter, about the assaults. I trusted him. It’s like he saw an opportunity and took it.” Her voice broke during the last sentence and tears started to fall down her cheek.

“You know, I’m not required to report this, but I can if you want me to. Your name will never come up.”

“No! No… Somehow… somehow he’ll find out. I just… My career would be over. But the saddest part of all is that I didn’t do  _ anything _ .” More tears fell as Dana continued. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t fight back. I just… froze. I was so angry. My girls, they… I wasn’t a good mother after it happened. I felt irritable and it was like all my progress was gone. Gracie called my mother and she came up to help. What kind of mother am I who can’t even take care of her own kids? I’m supposed to be the strong one. I’m letting them down.”

Tears continued to fall and Dana cuddled her baby. While she once couldn’t be bothered to interact with her youngest daughter, now she provided a great source of comfort to the still-nursing mother. 

“You’re human, Dana. It’s not your fault what happened to you.”

“But if I could’ve stopped him, if I had just…” A sob escaped her lips as she wiped away her tears.

“Hmm.” Dr. Taylor sat back in her chair and intertwined her fingers. “Dana, do you know what percentage of perpetrators are known to the victim?” 

Dana shook her head in response, catching her breath.

“About eighty percent. Most perpetrators carefully choose their victims. It’s not your fault.”

She scoffed in response. Sarah whimpered and started to suck on her finger, a sign she was ready to eat.

“Sorry, she’s hungry,” Dana explained.

“No need to apologize,” Dr. Taylor said as she looked away. 

After Dana got the baby latched on and covered her with a receiving blanket, she gave the all-clear. “So you’re telling me Dr. Waterston took the time to think about assaulting me? That makes me feel  _ so  _ much better,” she stated sarcastically as Dr. Taylor turned her attention back towards her patient.

“I know it doesn’t seem fair. But it’s important to remember  _ he’s _ the one at fault, not you.” 

Dana nodded and moved the receiving blanket to check on her daughter. “She’s not even getting anything,” she remarked. “That’s like the fourth time she’s done this this week.”

“Sarah may be what is called ‘comfort nursing.’”

Dana looked at her with confusion. 

“It’s when babies use a mother’s breast for non-nutritive purposes. It’s not usually taught in parenting classes. In your case, I’d assume it’s the stress and tension you’re feeling being projected upon Sarah due to the close contact you two have. Since your stress makes your daughter feel stressed, she may want the comforting sensation of suckling or skin to skin contact. It’s perfectly normal and nothing to worry about unless  _ you  _ feel overwhelmed.”

She felt like an idiot. How had she fed three children and had no idea about this until now? “You seem to know a lot about this.”

“It happened with all four of my children. A lot of mothers are in your position, Dana. You’re not alone. In fact, if it’d help, there are pamphlets and literature for support groups for women in your situation at my secretary’s desk. I think it’d help, but it’s ultimately up to you.”

“I’ll think about it.”

_ Content of therapy: Dana began our second session with the topic of her sexual assault by her professor/supervisor earlier this week. She feels upset over the events that have transpired between her and Dr. Waterston. Dana brought her youngest daughter, Sarah, to the session. Sarah is still nursing, and comfort nursed during the session. Dana is encouraged to participate in group therapy or support groups. She is also encouraged to continue weekly sessions.  _

After the session ended, Dana scheduled another appointment and looked at all the different cards and pamphlets on the desk. Some were for martial arts classes, but some that also caught her eye was for the support group for survivors of sexual assault Dr. Taylor had mentioned. There were so many different kinds. Teens, mothers, college students, spousal abuse, and more. She took the ones that applied to her and smiled at the secretary as she left. 

Taking Sarah out of the sling and moving her to the carrier, Dana secured her and moved to the driver’s seat. Looking at the different support groups, she put them in her purse and made a mental note to look at them later. Dr. Taylor was right. She couldn’t get through this on her own. For so long, Dana thought she was alone, and the fact there were so many women like her there were multiple support groups made her grateful and angry there were also so many people who thought it was okay to hurt others this way. She looked in the rear-view mirror at the proof in her carseat and started the car, anxious to get home and cuddle her babies. 

X

“And this slugger over here deleted my  _ entire  _ paper off my computer!”

“No!”

Dana had invited Marie over to her apartment for a playdate the next day, needing interaction with someone. She needed to feel normal, do normal things like have playdates. They sat on the couch, Dana letting the other woman hold her daughter. Currently, Gracie was trying to show Marie’s son Preston how to stack blocks, Liv helping him. 

“Yep,” Marie continued, laughing. “Luckily I had saved most of it on a thumb drive like five minutes before, but that was probably the scariest moment of my life.” 

“I can’t even imagine…” Dana trailed. “The worst that happened to me was forgetting a due date until about eight that night. Fastest I’ve ever typed in my life.”

“Oh, God, I just got flashbacks.”

The women laughed and chatted for the majority of the afternoon as Gracie and Liv played with their new friend. Gracie even shared her apple slices with Preston when it was lunch time. 

“Your kids are precious,” Marie commented an hour later as she held her sleeping son while Dana brought out a blanket and pillow. 

“You should see them when it’s just us,” Dana joked.

Marie laughed knowingly, and carefully set Preston on the couch as Gracie looked on. Dana handed the pillow and blanket to her, and the other woman helped her son get situated for his afternoon nap. Gracie didn’t take naps, and was watching  _ Mickey Mouse Clubhouse _ while occasionally glancing over at her friend. 

“Okay,” Marie exhaled. “We have approximately two hours until slugger over here wakes up.” 

“Is it too loud?” Gracie asked.

Marie waved her off. “You’re fine, sweetie. He sleeps through everything.” The woman gave her a wink, and Gracie provided a small smile back. 

Dana was grateful for someone like Marie. She was sociable and young, while also a mother. The latter meant she didn’t pass judgement onto Dana for having children so young like older parents did, for which Dana could not express her gratitude enough. The blond also was able to keep a conversation going, leaving Dana perfectly content with listening. The play date was a perfect distraction from what had transpired the day before and kept intrusive thoughts from occupying her brain. 

“So, what’s been your favorite rotation so far?” Marie asked as she sat on the couch next to her sleeping son.

Dana smiled softly and sat in the chair. “I don’t know, exactly. I missed two rotations when I had Liv, but I liked obstetrics well enough.”

“Obstetrics is my favorite, too! The little babies are just so cute! I think I might want to do NICU even.”

“That’s amazing,” Dana praised.

“But other than that, I’m just trudging along until we graduate. Which feels like light years away despite being in our second semester of rotations.”

“Tell me about it.” 

“Who’s your supervisor? Mine’s Dr. Stein. She’s awesome. Isn’t Dr. Waterston one, too?” Marie asked innocently. 

Dana felt like bolting from the room as her heart fell to her stomach. She was so close to just forgetting the whole ordeal had happened, which would be hard seeing he was forcing her to come in every week, conveniently on her therapy appointment days.

“Yeah, he is,” she mumbled. It felt as if she’d never be able to escape. 

A couple of hours later, Marie and Preston left, the young mother promising to host their next playdate. Dana closed the door behind them and sighed. 

“Mommy?” Liv asked, tugging in her shirt.

“Yeah, baby?” Dana asked as she went to feed Sarah. 

Liv followed. “Are Preston and his mommy coming back?”

Dana picked up her baby from her crib and began to nurse. “I’m sure they will. They actually invited us to their house next time.”

“Cool. I’m hungry.” The little girl promptly left the room and Dana was left alone with the baby. 

“You and her both,” she joked as she stroked Sarah’s chubby cheek. 

Her baby was right on track for growth and weight, her mother as small as she was. Dana was afraid she’d be in the lower percentiles, but her daughter was thriving. She could not say the same.

“Mommy, when’s dinner?” she heard Gracie yell from the hallway. 

“Soon!” she answered with the same volume. 

Taking a deep breath, she winced as Sarah scratched her chest. “At least you dropped a feeding,” she told the baby, who was oblivious. 

“Mommy!” Liv exclaimed. “I’m hungry!”

“I’ll be there soon!” She could feel her blood pressure rise as well as her impatience.

Dana placed two fingers on the bridge of her nose to calm herself.  _ They’re just children, _ she told herself.  _ They’re your babies _ _.  _

“Mooooom!” both girls shouted this time. 

“In a minute!” 

She got up and carefully placed Sarah in a sling before she went to make her children dinner. Just like any other Saturday night. If Dana kept making sure her life was normal, just maybe she’d start to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For more information on rape, sexual assault, and depression/postpartum depression, check out the links below. They have everything from hotlines and resources to safety. I hope these are a great starting point.
> 
> [Depression](https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression)
> 
> [National Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors and their Loved Ones](https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones)
> 
> [National Sexual Violence Resource Center](https://www.nsvrc.org/)
> 
> [Postpartum Depression](https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/mental-health-conditions/postpartum-depression)
> 
> [Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network](https://www.rainn.org/)


End file.
